One Liners

☻When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she's ready to ..WOOPS...wrong number.... 

☻U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply! 

☻Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move. 

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

☻Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides. 

☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.  

☻I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check. 

☻The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.  

☻There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives. 

☻Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.  

☻You may be recognized soon. Hide. 

☻Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.  

☻He who laughs last thinks slowest. 

☻Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.  

☻I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.  

☻Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???  

☻Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.  

☻If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.  

☻You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.  

☻My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch 

☻If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me 

☻Mind intentionally left blank...  

☻I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem 

☻Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. 

☻Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.  

☻If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.  

☻Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before. 

☻If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?  

☻The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.  

☻It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times. 

☻Born Free........Taxed to Death. 

☻We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found 

☻I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip. 

☻Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness. 

☻My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading. 

☻Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving now... 

☻Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key. 

☻What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.' 

☻Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

 ☻Celibacy is not hereditary

☻Familiarity breeds children

☻Life is sexually transmitted

☻We do precision guesswork

☻Born free . . . Taxed to death

☻If it's too loud, you're too old

☻Common sense isn't common

☻Nothing succeeds like excess

☻Do pilots take crash-courses?

☻If it ain't broke, fix it until it is

☻The older I get, the older old is

☻Relax, its only Ones and Zeros

☻A closed mouth gathers no feet

☻Do witches run spell checkers?

☻I don't get even . . . . . I get odder

☻Allow me to introduce my selves

☻A feature is a bug with seniority

☻If I throw a stick, will you leave?

☻Justice: A decision in your favor

☻Strip mining prevents forest fires

☻A waist is a terrible thing to mind

☻Do not disturb. Already disturbed

☻Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

☻Today's subliminal message is . . .

☻Demons are a Ghouls best Friend

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 

☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death. 

☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides. 

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! 

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species. 

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW! 

☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering. 

☻Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 

☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick. 

☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school. 

☻Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

☻Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

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