Mama sms Jokes

☻they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.

☻when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours....and that was just for the quote!

☻yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye...

☻she put Marilyn Manson out of business.

☻she was a guard at Snake Mountain

☻they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock...

☻even Harry Knowles refused to date her.

☻they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!

☻she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.

☻Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.

☻you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.

☻she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.

☻we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.

☻I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.

☻her shadow gave up.

☻people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her...

☻her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.

☻when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.

☻hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.

☻instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.

☻they gave her a middle name...'accident'.

☻she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.

☻when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!

☻even Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her...

☻when she was born the Doc smacked her face.

☻Anything Yo's - So Ugly...

☻Yo Poppa so ugly he turned Medusa to Stone.

☻Yo Postman so freakin ugly he made the guard dogs shit themselves.

☻Yo Dentist so ugly they don't need anasthetics

☻Yo Boss so ugly people go as him for halloween.

☻Yo Priest so ugly that he have to give his Sermon from inside the Confessional Box.

☻Yo Teacher so ugly when she walks into the Building Society they turn off the CCTV cameras.

☻Yo Sister so Ugly that George Lucas cast her in Star Wars 3 as Jabbas wife - without the need for a costume.

☻Your kid bro so ugly that for Halloween he tricks or treats on his mobile phone!

☻Your Kid sister so damn ugly that when she sits on a sand dune at the beach, the cats try to bury her.

☻You cousin so ugly that when he threw a boomerang, it refused to come back.

☻Yo Driving Instructor's so ugly he has to wear a ski-mask when teaching.

☻Yo Mother-in-law so ugly, she won first place in the Wookie lookalike contest.

☻Your Girlfriend's so insanely ugly that I can screw her in any position and it's still Doggy-style!

☻Yo Girlfriend so ugly they put her in the Chimp enclosure to stop the Chimpanzee's from jerking off!

☻Yo' Father in law so ugly that his American Express card left home without him...

☻Yo Sister's so ugly that she must been conceived on the Motorway - ain't that where most accidents happen?

☻Yo Dog walker so ugly that he once took your Mutt to Crufts and WON - oh, the dog came second...

☻Your sister-in-law so god awful ugly that Durex want to use her as a poster child.

☻Yo Father's so ugly his hairline ain't receding...it's his hair that's running away from his ugly noggin.

☻You Grandma's so Ugly her Shrink makes her lie face down on the couch.

☻Your Grandpa so freakin ugly that when he gets up in the mornin, the Sun goes down.

☻Yo' Mum so ugli that even Prince Charming refuses to kiss her - he'd rather live as a frog.

☻Yo older sister so ugly that Mommy had to feed her with a fishing rod.

☻Yo Uncle so astonishingly ugly that whenever he comes over and goes to your bathroom, the toilet flushes.

☻Your Dog's so ugly as yo Momma that I had to shave its arse and make it walk backwards...

☻Yo mama's so ugly, hold on....you got a mirror handy???

☻Yo Mama's sister so ugly that Blind men refuse to have sex with her.

☻Yo Uncle so ugly, Spielberg wants him in Addams Family 3

☻Your kid so ugly the Doctor is STILL smacking his ass.

☻Yo Mother in law so hellishly ugly, that president George W Bush is considering making ugliness a crime, punishable by the electric chair

☻Yo Momma's so ugly that she hurt my feelings...

☻Your doctor's so ugly she manages to give Freddy Kreuger Nightmares!

☻Yo Moma So Old

☻she left her purse on Noah's Ark.

☻Jurassic Park brought back the memories...

☻when she ran the 100 metre dash, they timed her with a sundial.

☻she still owes Moses a dollar.

☻when she was at school...there was No history class!

☻she uses her hot flushes to heat her cup of Tea

☻she's got the first autographed Koran.

☻she co-wrote the 4th Commandment.

☻when I asked for her ID she handed me a rock

☻she even made Yoda jealous.

☻she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch.

☻the fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake

☻when she gave birth, You came out with Dentures.

☻she sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade

☻her first job was as Cain and Abel's baby-sitter.

☻vher birthday expired.

☻when Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo momma fishing on the other side!

☻she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.

☻Anything Yo's - So Old ...

☻Yo Grandpa so old his social security number is 000-000-001

☻Yo Priest so old he's got Adam and Eve's autograph

☻Yo Archeology Professor so old we found cave drawings of her.

☻Your Wife getting so old she startin to fart out Mummy dust

☻You Postman so damn old his zip code is 00001.

☻Yo' geeky Star Wars friend so old he used to baby sit Yoda

☻Yo Doctor so old he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.

☻Yo hairdresser so old she used to cut Betty Rubble's hair

☻You so old you used to gang bang wid the Flintstones

☻Yo' home helper so old she was once a waitress at the last supper

☻Yo Grannie so old Spielberg hired her as historical consultant on Jurassic Park

☻Yo Nana so old she the only Creature in Jurassic Park they never had to animate

☻You Gardener so old she uses T-Rex dropping as fertilizer.

☻Yo History teacher so damn old he was co-author of the Dead Sea scrolls

☻Your Aunties so old that when God said 'let there be light', she was the one flicking on the light switch.

☻Yo Math teacher so old he baby-sat for Pythagorus

☻Yo Minister so old he used to get sermon tips from Zeus.

☻Yo Bookie so old he offered odds of 4 to 1 on Adam eating the apple

☻Yo Poppa so old and ugly they call him Captain Caveman

☻Yo sister so old she's more ancient than everything seen on the Antiques Road Show

☻yo' Mother in law so old she the only one at the old folks home with a senior citizens discount.

☻Yo' Papa so ancient that Mel Gibson hired him to offer insights on what life was like with William Wallace

☻I told yo big sister to act her own age...and she died.

☻You Dog so old it farts out dust.

☻Yo Boyfriend so old his birth certificate says "Expired" on it.

☻Yo Computer geek friend so old he used to babysit Pascal

☻Your Girlfriend's so old, she invented the term 'oldest profession in the world'

☻Yo' mother-in-law so ancient she's in Jesus's yearbook!

☻Yo Gardener's so damn old he remembers when the Garden of Eden was just a plant

☻Yo' big brother so old, he used to run Track with dinosaurs.

☻Your mother-in-law so freakin old she's got ROman Numerals on her birth certificate

☻Yo Moma So Poor

☻that your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.

☻they put her photo on food stamps.

☻when I visited her trailer, 2 cockroaches tripped me and a Rat tried to steal me wallet.

☻she waves an ice lolly around and calls it Air conditioning.

☻burglars break into her home and leave money.

☻when I told her about the last supper she thought the food stamps had run out.

☻the building society repossed her cardboard box.

☻she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.

☻each night she goes to KFC to lick other folk's fingers

☻she can't even afford to go to the free clinic.

☻when I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her what she was doing....'Moving' she replied.

☻I caught her trying to use food stamps in the Gobstopper machine.

☻when I rang her doorbell, SHE said 'Ding-Dong'

☻I asked her where the 'facilities were' and she replied - "Pick a corner...ANY corner..."

☻I visited her house, tore down the cob webs and she screamed - "Who's tearing down the drapes!!!!"

☻I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said "Sure thing, it's 4th tree on your right..."

☻only time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke farted...

☻when I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered - "Lost a shoe?", and she said - "Nope...just found one..."

☻she hangs the Toilet paper out to dry.

☻closest thing to a car she owns is a low-riding Shopping trolley....with a box on it...

☻she had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box.

☻I went into her 'living room', stepped on a Fag butt and she shouted - "Oi, who turned off the heater!"

☻I once threw a stone at a garbage can, and out she popped saying - "Who knocked???"

☻I went through her front door and tripped over the back fence.

☻she does drive by shootings on the school bus.

☻when she asked me over to dinner I took a paper plate from the kitchen and she groule - "Don't use the good china"

☻Anything Yo's - So Poor...

☻You're so poor even Beggars give you money.

☻Yo Grannie so damn poor she bounces food stamps.

☻Your Teachers so poor she can't even afford to pay attention.

☻Yo Priest so poor he uses cardboard and ribena as bread and wine substitutes.

☻Yo Doctor so poor, he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.

☻You family so poor you's live in a 2-story Cracker Jack box.

☻Yo sister is so po...shit, she can't even afford them last 2 letters!

☻Yo Dentist is so poor she uses white-out/tippex as your tooth filler.

☻Yo' Cleaner so poor she can't afford a mop - she stands on her head in order to mop the floor...

☻Yo Poppa so poor his idea of Desert was to go outside and collect the 'yellow snow'...and yo loved it, didn't ya!

☻You Star Wars friend so insanely poor that I walked into his house, asked to use the bathroom, and he handed me a shovel saying: "May the force be with you."

☻Yo Father so poor that when I aks him what for dinner, he take off his shoelaces and says - Spaghetti!

☻Yo older sis getting so poor she's planning on getting married...just so she can get the rice at the wedding.

☻Your lecturer so poor he uses his cardboard box as a blackboard.

☻Yo' so poor, you get more government handouts than an English farmer

☻Yo' best friend so poor he have to fart just to get a scent (cent).

☻Yo Gossiping wife so poor she can't even afford to put her two cents into this conversation...

☻Yo Grannie so poor that when I asked her what's for dinner, she tried to throw ME in the oven!

☻Yo' Mommy so poor I went over for dinner, saw 3 beans on the table...took one and she said - "Don't be greedy!"

☻You Auntie's so poor she gotta live in a 2-story Dorritos bag...

☻Yo big brother so freakin poor I stepped on his old banged up skateboard and he yelled - "Get off my F****in CAR"

☻Yo Computer geek friend so poor he uses a Commodore 64 to surf the web.

☻Your pimp so poor he just bought an imitation of a fake Rolex

☻Yo Reverand so poor the congregation run over animals outside the church just to help with food...

☻Yo Gardener's so damn poor that when I pissed in his yard he thanked me for watering the lawn...

☻Yo Mama's so damn poor, her front porch matt says 'Wel'...

☻You so piss poor...hold on, you don't have a pot to piss in or even a window to throw it out of...

☻Yo Uncle so poor I went into his house, swatted a pesky firefly and he screamed - "Who turned out the lights?"

☻Yo Nana so sickenly poor I walks into her house, asked to use the toilet and she hand me 2 large sticks. I ask what they're for and she says: "Use one to hold up the ceiling...use the other to fight off the cockroaches..."

☻Yo half-sister so damn poor even the Republicans were willing to give her welfare.

☻Anything Yo's....

☻Yo Mamma's feet so skanky that when your family wants jam pieces, she gets yo brother to run a loaf of bread between her toes.

☻Yo' Grannies neck so damn wrinkled, I use it as a cheese grater.

☻I got notin bad to say about Yo Momma - heck, her face says it all...

☻Your pet Cat so freakin nasty it bit ma dog and gave it rabies.

☻Yo Auntie so stinkin that a skunk smelled her butt and passed out.

☻Yo mama's so poor, TV dinner trays are her good china.

☻Damn it, just realised that last yo is as old as the crust in yo Sister's knickers...

☻You liked that mama joke didn't ya? Good?...well, nowhere near as good as Yo Mama was last night :)

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