Publishers
Jokes
Every
nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
The
French book
The English book
The Welsh book
The American book
The Japanese book
The Finnish book
The German book
The Icelandic book
The Canadian book
The Swedish book
The Swiss book
The Israeli book
The Danish book
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The Sex
Life of the Elephant
Elephants I have Shot on Safari
The Elephant and its Influence on Welsh Language and Culture
How to Make Bigger and Better Elephants
How to Make Smaller and Cheaper Elephants
What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6
Defrosting an Elephant
Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
How to Reduce your Taxes with an Elephant
The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
The Elephant and the Jewish Problem
Elephants - 100 easy ways of cooking them
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From the moment
I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with
laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
"The Book of
Insults", Groucho Marx
I find
television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go
into another room and read a good book.
Groucho Marx
How
To Write Good by Frank L. Visco
1. Avoid
alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
How many
publishers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to hold down the author.
How many editors
does it take to change a light bulb?
"Do we have to get author's approval for this?"
Two, one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the
old bulb.
How many
proofreaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Proofreaders aren't supposed to change light bulbs. They should just
query them.
How many mystery
writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way in and the other to give it
a suprising twist at the end.
How many writers
does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to tell a long story about it.
How many
literary critics does it take to change a light bulb?
Literary critics don't know how, but rest assured they'll find
something wrong with the way you do it.
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