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Doctor: "Did
you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"
Doctor:
"Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten
quarters?"
Nurse: "No change yet."
Three nurses
went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead
their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse
said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help
patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve
to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second
nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress
environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and
we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her
file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse
says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks
at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it
furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few
minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've
been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"
    
Harry was in
the hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the young nurse came
in and said in a patronizing tone, "And how are we doing this morning?"
Well, this is a
story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice
off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle
to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.
The nurse came
in, picked up the urine bottle and said, "It seems we are a little
cloudy today.." At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand,
drinked its contents, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, maybe I
can filter it better this time."
What's the
difference between a surgeon and a puppy?
If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it'll probably stop
whining.
Interns think
of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.
What's the
difference between a nurse and a nun?
A nun only serves one God.
A nurse was
showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the
most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor
are almost well."
A doctor is
going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where
the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two
hours!"
At the next bed
the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately
at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of
life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
The nurse who
can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.
Why did the
nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain
temperatures?
Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her
patient's best side.
Did you hear
about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?
It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore!
Top
10 reasons to become a nurse
Pays better
than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
Fashionable
shoes & sexy white uniforms.
Needles:
It's better to give than to receive.
Reassure
your patients that all bleeding stops....eventually.
Expose
yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.
Interesting
aromas.
Do enough
charting to navigate around the world.
Celebrate
the holidays with all your friends.....at work.
Take
comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to
them.
Courteous
& infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly
legible handwriting.
How
nurses do it..
Nurses do it
painless.
Nurses do it with TLC.
Nurses do it with care.
Nurses do it with intensive care.
You Might Be a Nurse if..
when
using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full
minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
your
favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside
and tell a doctor to clean it up.
men
assume you must be great in bed because of the 9 billion porn movies
about nurses.
everyone,
including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and
pain they have.
you
want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse
on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting
with doctors.
you
can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
you
can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spagetti
with lots of tomato sauce.
you
use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shotglass.
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How many nurses
does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just have a nursing assistant do it.
As much as the doctor orders.
How many triage
nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.
How many doctors
does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
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