Musicians Jokes

A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"

An anthropologist decides to investigate the natives of a far-flung tropical island. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the anthropologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?"
The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Then, after some hours, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the anthropologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide: "The Drums have stopped, what happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Bass Solo".

How can you tell that there's a drummer at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and faster.

How can you tell that there's a vocalist at your front door?
She forgot the key and doesn't know when to come in.

How can you tell that there's an accordionist at your front door?
He doesn't stop knocking even after you answer.

How do you know when a trombone player is at your front door?
The doorbell drags.

How do you know when there's a banjo player at your door?
His hat says "Domino's".

The composer Robert Schumann wrote at the beginning of one of his compositions: "To be played as fast as possible." A few measures later he wrote: "Faster."

A couple was having marital difficulties and consulted a marriage counselor. After meeting with them, the counselor told them that their problems could all be traced to a lack of communication. "You two need to talk," he said. "So, I recommend that you go to a jazz club. Just wait until it's time for the bass player to solo. Then you'll be talking just like everyone else."

A man and his son were walking through a cemetery. The boy asked, "Daddy, do they bury two people in the same grave?"

The father said, "Two people? Let me look."

So the father took a look, and sure enough, the marker said, "Here lies a symphony conductor and a humble man."

A guy playing trombone in the opera had a fantastic gig on the day he had to play in the opera. He tried to find a replacement but without success. Finally he went to his housekeeper and convinced him to do the replacement. "I give you my other trombone. You just look what is the guy next to you doing and it would be OK".

Next morning he asked the housekeeper how it was.

"Catastrophe. Your colleague sent also his housekeeper to replace him".

What's the definition of an optimist?
A folk musician with a mortgage.

What do you call a accordionist with a beeper?
An optimist.

What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
One of them eventually matures and earns money.

What do you call a musician who doesn't have a girl friend?
Homeless!

We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but lost one and became a conductor.

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye was admitted to Oxford University, and was now living in his first year of residence there. His clan was very excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he'd do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit, with reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Oh, Mother," he replied, shaking his head sadly, "they're such terrible, noisy people: The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop; and the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night."

"But Donald! How do you manage with those dreadful noisy English neighbors?"

"Well, mother, I just ignore 'em. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone that can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

"Why do you close your eyes while playing the piano?"
"I can't see the agony of the audience."

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch. "Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."
The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."

Musician: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."

"Do you love music?"
"Yes, but never mind, you may continue playing."

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

What do you call someone who hangs out with a bunch of musicians?
A drummer.

How do you get a lead guitarist to stop playing?
You put sheet music in front of him.

What does a guitar player do when he locks his keys in the car?
He breaks the window to get the bass player out.

"Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician."
"Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both."

Anything played wrong twice in a row is the beginning of an arrangement.

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

An efficiency consultant gave his critique of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony:

1. All 12 violins played the same notes. This is unnecessary duplication. Their number should be cut.
   
2. For a considerable period oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced and their work spread evenly among other staff.
   
3. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that was already handled by the strings. If such redundancies were eliminated, the concert could be cut 20 minutes.
   
4. The symphony has two movements. Mr. Schubert should have been able to achieve his musical goals in one.
   

A viola player was returning from a gig, and, feeling tired, decided to stop at a roadside cafe for a rest and a cup of coffee. Halfway through the cup he remembered he'd left his viola on the passenger's seat of the car. He rushed outside... but it was too late.. someone had broken the window and put two more violas on the rear seat!

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