|
A doctor, a
lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a
wife or a mistress.
The lawyer
says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a
divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."
The doctor
says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers
your stress and is good for your health."
The manager
says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife
thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with
your wife -- you can go to the office and do some work.
| A new manager spends a week at his new
office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing
manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk
drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three
months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong -
the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He
remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first
envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does
this and gets off the hook.
About
half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined
with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second
envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company
quickly rebounds.
Three
months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The
message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".
|
|
A man goes into
a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical
looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500
dollars".
"Why
does the parrot cost so much," asks the man.
The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then
asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars
because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how
to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the
increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that
it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What
can it do?"
To which the
shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but
the other two call him boss !"
Failing
organizations are usually over-managed and under-led.
The president
of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All
those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by
saying, 'I resign'."
 By three measures a
manager is known:
- The thickness of the carpet in his offfice.
- The area of his desk.
- The volume of his car's engine.
Committee
Rules
 Never arrive on
time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
 Don't say
anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
 Be as vague
as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
 When in
doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
 Be the
first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what
everyone is waiting for.
Committee: a
group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that
nothing can be done.
Fred Allen 
Go! Go! Go!
The Americans
and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both
teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the
big day the Japanese won by a mile.
The American
team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management
decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a
consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend
corrective action.
The
consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one
person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight
people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the
problem, the American team's management structure was completely
reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area
steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person
rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year,
the Japanese won by two miles!
Humiliated, the
American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave
the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
A CEO throwing
a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the
back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them
has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry
alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should
be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my
challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the
pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I
will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house,
anything!"
Everyone laughs
at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of
the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around
and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for
his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the
edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a
huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The
flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've
never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure
and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."
The CFO,
panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell
pushed me in the pool!!"
The manager of
a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go
for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after
a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him
some job to do.
The farmer told
him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody
coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it
will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the
manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day
the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads
of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able
to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next
morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked
the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with
small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.
At the end of
the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the
potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the
manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first
days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"
The manager
answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit,
but now you ask me to make decisions."
I sit here all
day trying to persuade people to do the things they ought to have sense
enough to do without my persuading them.
Page 2
|
