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What's wrong
with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're
jokes.
When asked,
"What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a
lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it,
you get nothing."
A group of
terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground
control with their list of demands and added that if their demands
weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
A small town
that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
What's the
difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
Arguing with a
lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that
the pig actually enjoys it.
There are two
kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.
The day after a
verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the
judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have
new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defence."
The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"
The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found
out about it!"
Warning
Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer
He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
He tells you that he has never told a lie.
A big sign in his office says: "Don't ask me."
A prison guard is shaving your head.
How
lawyers do it..
 Lawyers do it with appeal.
Lawyers do it confidentially.
Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.
You Might Be a Lawyer if..
you
are charging someone for reading these jokes.
you
believe that a forty words' sentence is a short one.
you
have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
you
can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it's verbal or
written.
your
other car is a BMW.
when
you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
when
your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.
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How many lawyers
does it take to change a light bulb?
"How many can you afford?"
It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and
shouting "Objection!"
Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the
third to sue the ladder company.
Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power,
or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out
in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and
one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object,
one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one
to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to
write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to
change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
How many lawyers
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, lawyers only screw us.
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