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 A
prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly,
elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones,
do you know me?"
She responded,
"Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a
young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You
lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't
the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was
stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and
asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again
replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too,
has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes,
I know him."
At this point,
the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to
the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of
you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
Prosecutor: Did
you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the
penalty for murder.
Courtroom
Q & A
Q: All your
responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand?
A: Yes
Q: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995?
A: Oral.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q: Your first marriage was terminated by death?
A: Yes, by death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that
correct?
A: Yes.
Q: And these same stairs, did the also go up?
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are on dead people.
When you go to
court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart
enough to get out of jury duty!
Jury: Twelve
men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.
Justice: A
decision in your favor.
Cross-examination
Revisited
 "Now, your youngest son, the
twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you alone, or by yourself?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the accident?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
How many judges
does it take to change a light bulb?
 Just
one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him.
Just one, but two lawyers have to explain him how to do it.
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