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The cross eyed
judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first
one, "So how do you plead?"
"Not guilty" said the second defendant.
"I wasn't talking to you" the judge replied.
"I never said a word" the third defendant replied.
The local game
warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and
eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After
pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he
did it.
"I
was just trying to feed my hungry family," he told the judge, "and I've
never done anything like that before."
The judge,
being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man
go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it
was his first and only offense.
"Before
you go, though, I want to ask you a question," the judge quipped, "What
does Egret taste like?"
"Well
your Honor," the man told him, "Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but
its better than Bald Eagle!"
The defendant
stood up in the dock and said to the judge, "I don't recognize this
court!"
"Why?" asked the Judge.
"Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was here."
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney
attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted
five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the
question.
"Isn't
it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this
case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the
judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Taking his seat
in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said,
"I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers
squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you,
attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge
reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon
... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this
case solely on its merits."
A young lawyer
was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit.
Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the
worst. So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it
would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars.
The partner was
horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed. "If
you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!"
Weeks later the
judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to
lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those
cigars to the judge?", the partner asked.
"But
I did send them," replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's
lawyer's business card!"
Carlson was
charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury
acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had
presided at the hearing.
"Your
honour," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of
mine."
"Why
?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have
him arrested for?"
"Well,
your honour," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee,
so he went and took the car I stole."
A red-faced
judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man
charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.
"I'm
as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge
replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced
to 30 days."
A New York man
was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic
summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless
hour for his case to be heard.
When his name
was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to
hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have
to return the next day.
"What
for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor,
equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars
contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing
the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You
don't have to pay now."
The man
replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
The Judge
admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell
the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
The Judge asked
the defendant, "Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to
tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"
"I do."
"Now what do you say to defend yourself?"
"Your Honor, under those limitations.. nothing."
The judge said
to his dentist: "Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the
tooth."
Judge: "Have
you anything to offer to this Court before I pass sentence?"
Defendant: "No your honor, my lawyer took every penny."
Judge: "Is it
true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?"
Defendant: "Yes, it's true."
Judge: "Then, why don't you just pay him back?"
Defendant: "Because it wouldn't be true anymore."
People who love
sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.
A young woman
was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. The charges
were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the
woman answered emphatically.
The prosecution
council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the
11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency
with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of
a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the center of London,
in a blizzard?"
The woman
composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly
said: "What was the date again?"
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