Internet
service providers Jokes
Top
10 Signs that You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web
Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?"
You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for
Netscape 4.0" on one of the clouds.
You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed
acceptance when you encounter a Web page with no links.
You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding
day.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a
puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that
separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you
desperately look for the "Back" button.
You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again and
again and again.
Your dog has his own web page.
So does your hamster.
When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the
underlined passages.
Top
7 ways the Internet could get worse
 "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by
1st amendment.
 Sun internet servers replaced
with pentiums.
 Dan Quayle appointed head of
"bandwidth expansion tiger team".
 Free net com account with
purchase of big mac.
 Game boy web browsers.
 Two words: "Microsoft Network"
 Rigorous user screening process
abolished by America On-Line.
You Might Be an ISP if..
you know 56k means 'reliable 33.6' and 33.6 means 'reliable 28.8' and
so forth.
you know the win98 setup wizard by heart and can walk a user through it
without even interrupting your Quake/MUD/IRC session to do so.
you know where the email settings are in Internet Mail, Outlook
Express, Pegasus, Eudora, Netscape Mail, Messenger Mailbox, and you
don't use any of those programs for personal use.
you maintain more than four web sites and do not have time for a
personal web page.
you know all of the following people by reputation and can explain what
they've done that is relevant to your world: Steve Case, Linux
Torvalds, Eric All man, Sanford Wallace.
you know what TCP/IP stands for, not to mention DNS, HTTP, SNMP, BGP,
OSPF, and DUN. You like acronyms.
you know more ip addresses than phone numbers. Sometimes you just find
it easier to type the dotted quad.
you know more phone numbers to modem banks than you know phone numbers
to people.
you can name two web browsers other than Netscape or Microsoft's.
you find telnet a helpful daily tool instead of wondering what it is
for.
you loathe the dancing baby and other large file attachments sent
through email to unsuspecting users who can't pick them up off the
server and then have to call and whine that their email doesn't work
anymore.
you despise Microsoft Front Page as a web editing tool and as
extensions to your web server.
you can answer the question 'is the internet broken' without laughing.
you can spot the theme behind the following list: Red Hat, SuSE,
Debian, Caldera, Slack ware.
you can feel the load a server is under without actually checking
statistics. It 'just isn't running right' actually makes sense.
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How many Web
jokers does it take to change a light bulb?
1,623. One to tell the original joke, the rest to give some minor
variation of it!
How many
internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
1,392:
- 1 to change
the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has
been changed.
- 14 to share
similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb
could have been changed differently,
- 4 to
complain that they were happy with the old one,
- 7 to caution
about the dangers of changing light bulbs,
- 27 to point
out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs,
- 53 to flame
the spell checkers,
- 156 to write
to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion
and its inappropriateness to this mail list,
- 41 to
correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames,
- 109 to post
that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email
exchange to alt.lite.bulb,
- 203 to
demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped,
- 111 to
defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and
therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list,
- 306 to
debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy
the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique, and what brands are faulty,
- 27 to post
URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs,
- 14 to post
that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs,
- 12 to flame
the AOL users for violating netiqutte and blame them for starting this
whole thing,
- 3 to post
about links they found from the URLs that "are relevant to this list,
which makes light bulbs relevant to this list,"
- 45 posts
about weather or not AOL should even be allowed to exist,
- 33 to
concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers
and footers, and then add "Me Too,"
- 12 to post
to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the
light bulb controversy,
- 19 to quote
the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three,"
- 4 to suggest
that posters request the light bulb FAQ,
- 1 to propose
new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup,
- 47 to say
this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here,
- 143 votes
for alt.lite.bulb.
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