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After
Receiving an Invitation to an Inventors' Ball:
 Edison thought it
would be an illuminating experience.
 Watt reckoned
it would be a good way to let off steam.
 Stephenson
thought the whole idea was loco.
 Wilbur Wright
accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
 Morse's
reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."
Pick-Up
Lines to use on Engineering Chicks
 I won't stop bugging
you until I get the address of your home page.
 Let's convert
our potential energy to kinetic energy.
 Wanna come back
to my room and see my 166mhz Pentium?
 How about you
and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
 You're sweeter
than glucose.
 We're as
compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.
 Wanna see the
programs in my HP-48GX?
 Your body has
the nicest arc length I've ever seen.
 You're hotter
than a bunsen burner set to full power!
 My love for you
is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.
Real
Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for
their birthday.
Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions,
watches, and automatic transmissions.
Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and
298 Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day?"
Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes
a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own
car".
Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with
their name on it and an office with a window.
Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
Real Engineers know how to take the cover off of their computer, and
are not afraid to do it.
Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of
"Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.
        
The
Dictionary : what engineers say and what they mean by
it
Major
Technological Breakthrough
Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research
It was discovered by accident.
The designs are well within allowable limits
We just made it, stretching a point or two.
Test results were extremely gratifying
It works, and are we surprised!
Customer satisfaction is believed assured
We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get
anything at all.
Close project coordination
We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility
for this.
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen
difficulties
We are working on something else.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period
We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
A number of different approaches are being tried
We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem
We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a
while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned
The only guy who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties
We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
Essentially complete.
Half done.
We predict..
We hope to God!
Drawing release is lagging.
Not a single drawing exists.
Risk is high, but acceptable.
100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower,
we may
have a 50/50 chance.
Serious, but not insurmountable's, problems.
It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.
Not well defined.
Nobody has thought about it.
Requires further analysis and management attention.
Totally out of control.
The project is designed for high availability.
Malfunctions will be blamed on the operators mistakes.
This project has low maintenance requirements.
We wouldn't let the technicians change a light bulb, much less fool
around with our baby.
The software is being developed without excessive process overhead.
The documentation will be written in clear and lucid Chinese.
The delivery is scheduled for the last quarter of next year.
This leaves us plenty of time to decide who to blame for it being late.
Engineering
Revisited
 Any circuit design
must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are
unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
 Nothing ever
gets built on schedule or within budget.
 A failure will
not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
 If you can't
fix it -- document it.
 The primary
function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the
fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
How
engineers do it..
Engineers
do it with precision.
Electrical engineers are shocked when they do it.
Electrical engineers do it on an impulse.
Electrical engineers do it with large capacities.
Electrical engineers do it with more frequency and less resistance.
Electrical engineers do it with more power and at higher frequency.
Mechanical engineers do it with stress and strain.
Mechanical engineers do it with less energy and greater efficiency.
Chemical Engineers do it in fluidized beds.
City planners do it with their eyes closed.
Petroleum engineers do it with lubrication.
Reservoir engineers do it thorougly and with lot of simulation.
Drilling engineers do it with smooth penetration aided by lubrication,
frequent short wiper tripps, and at the end slug is pumped before they
pull out.
You Might Be an Engineer if..
your favorite James Bond character is "Q".
you see a good design and still have to change it.
you still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
your family haven't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
you are better with a Karnaugh map than you are with a street map.
you think the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
you think "cuddling" is simply an unproductive application of heat
exchange
you have owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands
for.
you make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a
bird bath.
you have trouble writing anything unless the paper has horizontal and
vertical lines.
your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest
sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
you think the value of a book is directly proportionate to the amount
of tables, charts and graphs it contains.
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How many
first year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
 None. That's a second
year subject.
How many
second year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
 One, but the rest
of the class copies the report.
How many
third year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
 "Will this
question be in the final examination?"
How many
civil engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
 Two. One to do it
and one to steady the chandelier.
How many
electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
 None. They simply
redefine darkness as the industry standard.
How many
computer engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
 "Why bother? The
socket will be obsolete in six months anyway."
How many
mechanical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
 Five. One to
decide which way the bulb ought to turn, one to calculate the force
required, one to design a tool with which to turn the bulb, one to
design a comfortable - but functional - hand grip, and one to use all
this equipment.
How many
nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
 Seven. One to
install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one
for the next 10,000 years.
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