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A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something."
The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead".
The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else."
The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your dog is dead."
The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "That will be $340."
The lady has a fit and asks, "Why is it so much? After all the vet didn't do anything for the dog."
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT SCAN!"
He is not dead, he is electroencephalographically challenged.
"Are you an organ donor?"
"No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army."
A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"
What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
What is a double-blind study?
Two orthopedists reading an electrocardiogram.
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
 Oops!
 Has anyone seen my watch?
 That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
 Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
 Well this book doesn't say that.. What edition is your manual?
 OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
 Come back with that! Bad Dog!
 Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
 If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
 Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
 Damn, there go the lights again..
 Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
 Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
 Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
 I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
 Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
 Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
 What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
 What do you mean, he's not insured?
 This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
 Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
 What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
 I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
 Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
 That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
 Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
 Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
 Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
 FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."
Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck.. it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."
You Might Be an E.R. Doctor if...
your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
you think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
you get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.
you believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
you say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers.
you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy it is quiet around here."
you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".
you have ever had a patient say, "But I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?"
you have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there".
your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"
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You Might Be an E.R. Volunteer if...
your immune system attacks a dog crossing your front garden.
you have delusions of being an emergency doctor.
the EMS guys think your name is the Coffee Mate.
you tell the doctors and nurses that you don't get paid anything to do this and they look at you like you 'r some kind of a freak.
your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
the EMS guys refer to you as "the pain in the ass that got in my way when I was bringing in a code!"
your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.
your favorite colors are green, white and red, even though you are not Italian.
your favorite thing is to take orders from medical students.
you have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable X-ray machine.
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How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
 That depends on whether it has health insurance.
 None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.
 None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
 None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
 Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
 Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
 None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
 Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
 Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!
How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
 None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.
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