Consultants
Jokes
Consulting
Revisited
 Good advice is something a man
gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
 Always listen to experts.
They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.
 It takes two things to be
a consultant - grey hair and hemorrhoids. The grey hair makes you look
distinguished and the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.
 In case of doubt, make it
sound convincing.
 An expert is one who knows
more and more about less and less, until he knows absolutely everything
about nothing.
 To spot the expert, pick
the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
 After all is said and
done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
 If you consult enough
experts, you can confirm any opinion.
 Hiring consultants to
conduct studies can be an excellent means of turning problems into
gold, your problems into their gold.
You Might Be a Consultant if..
you
ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
you
decide to reorganize your family into a "team-based organization."
you
think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with six
other people you don't know.
you
believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and
"improvement opportunities."
you
explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as
"highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
you
can explain the difference between "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and
"firing people's arises," and you actually believe your explanation.
you
can spell "paradigm" and you actually know what a paradigm is.
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How many
consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
 We
don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Three. One to change the bulb and two to write the standards and tell
him what he did wrong.
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how Tom Peters
would have done it.
Five. One to change the bulb and four to tell him how much better they
could have done it.
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