Computers
are Like Men..
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
are the problem.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer you could have had a better model.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Computers
are Like Women..
No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
The
8 Types of Supporters
The Eager
Beaver : "Sure, I can write an emulation program by this afternoon ...
one of those new boxes? I'd sure like to get my fingers into one. I
think I know where there's one just down the hall ... "
The Know-it-All : "Well, I could tell you how to do that ... but I
think I could recommend a better approach ... "
The New Kid : "Do you have a dog? ... My name? I'll have to get back to
you on that."
The Psycho : "READ MY LIPS, YOU BOZO! Are you STUPID or something?! YOU
CAN'T DO THAT!"
The Counselor : "Oh my. Oh dear. Uh huh ... yes ... and then what
happened? ... yes, I have plenty of time ... oh, no, no problem, that's
my job ... "
The Intimidator : "Why did you do THAT?! Haven't you had any TRAINING?!
Don't you know Section 5.1.2.1.1 of the IEEE spec?!"
The Veteran : "Oh! That's there for backward compatibility. They added
it in rev 2.00.03 but they didn't document it."
The Crispy Critter : "I don't know. I don't care. Your problem, that
says it all, I have my own to take care of. Why are you using this
product, anyway?"
To
err is human ...
 To err is
human; to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human.
 To err is
human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
 To err is
human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
Computers
are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Real
Stories from a Virtual World
 Computers
manufacturer is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any"
key is.
 Technical
support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control
with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the
mouse was packaged in.
 A technician
received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read
word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting
for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that
the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter
to type the labels.
 A customer
was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed
copies of her diskettes.
 A technician
advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and
close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the
door to his room.
 A customer
called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40
minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was
trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and
pressing the "send" key.
 A customer
needed help setting up a new program, so the technician suggested he go
to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the man
said. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I
thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
 A customer
called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned
it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard
for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.
 A technician
received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer
had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained that the
computer's "bad" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
 An
exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to
turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician
asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response
"I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot
pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
 Another
customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't
work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for
20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened
when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
Computer
Problem Questionnaire
- Describe your problem.
- Now, describe the problem
accurately.
- Speculate wildly about the
cause of the problem.
- Is your computer plugged in?
- Is it turned on?
- Have you tried to fix it
yourself?
- Have you made it worse?
- Have you read the manual?
- Are you sure you've read the
manual?
- Are you absolutely certain
you've read the manual?
- Do you think you understood
it?
- If ' Yes ' then why can't
you fix the problem yourself?
- What were you doing with
your computer at the time the problem occurred?
- If ' nothing ' then explain
why you were logged in.
- Are you sure you aren't
imagining the problem?
- Do you have any independent
witnesses of the problem?
- Can't you do something else,
instead of bothering me?
Top
Explanations by Programmers
 Strange...
 I've
never heard about that.
 It did
work yesterday.
 How is
this possible?
 The
machine seems to have a malfunction.
 Has the
operating system been updated?
 The user
has made an error again.
 There is
something wrong in your data.
 I have
not touched that module!
 You must
have the wrong executable.
 Oh, it's
just a feature.
 Of
course, I just have to do these small fixes.
 It will
be done in no time at all.
 It's
just some unlucky coincidence.
 I can't
test everything!
 THIS
can't do THAT.
 Didn't I
fix it already?
 It's
already there, but it has not been tested.
 Somebody
must have changed my code.
 There
must be a virus in the application software.
 This
time it will surely run.
 I just
found the last bug.
 Bug?
That's not a bug, that's a feature.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Computer
Messages: what they say and what they mean by it
Press
Any Key.
Press any key you like but I'm not moving.
Press A Key.
Nothing happens unless you press the 'A' key.
Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no.
1A4-2546512430E...
... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that
it's a hardware problem.
Installing program to C:\...
... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and
c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them.
Not enough memory.
I don't CARE if you've got 64 MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below
640K.
Cannot read from drive D:...
...however, if you put the CD in right side up..
Please Wait..
...indefinitely.
Directory does not exist..
....any more. Woops.
The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close.
....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back.
The best
way to accelerate a Win9x machine is at 9.81m/s 2 .
Things
You Don't Want to Hear Your System Administrator Saying:
 NO! Not that
button!
 Do you
smell something?
 I have
never seen it do that before..
 Oops.
Save your work, everyone. FAST!
 What do
you mean you needed that directory?
 Where
did you say those backup tapes were kept?
 The
drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
 I
cleaned up the root partition and now there's lots of free space.
You Might Be a Computers' Support Technician if..
when asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next
page.
after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone
and start dialing an IP number.
you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you
want.
you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
you look for the undo command after making a mistake.
you disdain people who use low baud rates.
you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size
screwdriver to use.
you can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them.
you would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires.
you see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you have no
idea it is referring to drugs.
you know without a doubt that diskettes come in five-and-a-quarter and
three-and-a-half inch sizes.
you have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions
about which is better -- the track ball or the track pad.
you are zen-like in your acceptance of users, realizing that there is
no limit to the depths of cluelessness, and yet you help them anyway.
|
How many
Support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
 "Wait! Maybe the
bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again."
 "It's in the
manual. Didn't you read the manual?"
 "The bulb
was fine; you just forgot to turn the switch on."
 "The light
bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard socket."
 "Well, we
have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be working
OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem?"
 "Our
engineers are busy at the moment.. We have assigned query number 987632
to your question. Please refer to it in all future correspondence."
How many
first-time computer users does it take to change a light bulb?
 One, but it
takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician before he
realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.
How many
Microsoft Support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
 None, they
have declared darkness to be the new standard.
 One, but
only if "light bulb" can be found in the Microsoft Knowledge Base.
Back
to Index Page
|
