Caller : Hello, is this the Help Line?
HelpLine : Yes, it is. How may I help you?
Caller : The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
HelpLine : I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller : Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.
HelpLine : Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?
Caller : It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.

At this point the HelpLine operator realized that the caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive. Imagine if they did..

HelpLine : General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer : I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!
HelpLine : Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer : What's an ignition?
HelpLine : It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.
Customer : Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?

HelpLine : General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer : My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!
HelpLine : Is the gas tank empty?
Customer : Huh? How do I know?
HelpLine : There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?
Customer : It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?
HelpLine : It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.
Customer : What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!

HelpLine : General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer : Your cars suck!
HelpLine : What's wrong?
Customer : It crashed, that's what wrong!
HelpLine : What were you doing?
Customer : I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!
HelpLine : It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?
Customer : I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!

HelpLine : General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer : Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.
HelpLine : Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer : How do I work it?
HelpLine : Do you know how to drive?
Customer : Do I know how to what?
HelpLine : Do you know how to drive?
Customer : I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!

The Three Laws of Secure Computing

1) Don't buy a computer.
2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.
3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

A guide to man-machine interface

USER-FRIENDLY
C:\ DUR
Command not found. Try retyping

USER-HELPFUL
C:\ DUR
I don't understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ?

USER-UNFRIENDLY
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR

USER-HOSTILE
C:\ DUR
Ha! A mistake! I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that's what I'll do.

USER-INDIFFERENT
C:\ DUR
DUR?

USER-PATRONIZING
C:\ DUR
Now, that's not quite right is it? Let's try again; this time, use the manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you bought me.

USER-OBSEQUIOUS
C:\ DUR
I'm so very, very sorry but I don't understand that. I'm sure it was my fault, but if you would please try again I'll do my best.

USER-SARCASTIC
C:\ DUR
Well, Look who's made a mistake then. Very unusual, I don't think.

USER-INSULTING
C:\ DUR
F*ck off
C:\ DIR
F*ck off

USER-SMUG
C:\ DUR
No
C:\ DOR
Nope
C:\ HELP
No
C:\ PLEASE
Not unless you give me a 300Mb hard disk to live on.
C:\ B*ST*RD
Abuse will get you nowhere

USER-ANALYTICAL
C:\ DUR
What makes you say that?
C:\ A TYPING MISTAKE
How long have you been making these mistakes?
C:\ BANANAS
Do you like bananas?
C:\ I LOVE THEM
Why do you bring up the subject of love?
...etc

USER-McDONALD
May I help you please?
C:\ DUR
I'm sorry but that command is not available at this time. Have a nice day.
C:\ DIR
Will that be an MS-DOS directory?
C:\ YES
To read here, or for printout to take away?
C:\ HERE
Thank you. Have a nice day.

USER-MEGALOMANIAC
C:\ DUR
Don't bother me with trivial requests. I'm busy.

Real users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days.

Real users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it.

Real users never use the Help key.

Real users never stop asking new options.

Real users never know what to do with new options.

If computer errors were written as haikus

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

The file you need
might be very useful.
But now it is gone

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, reboot.
Order shall return.

Wind catches lily,
scattering petals to the ground.
Segmentation fault.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
File not found.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

No keyboard present.
Press F1 to continue.
Zen engineering.

This site has moved.
We'd tell you where, but then
we'd have to delete you.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

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