|
Steven Wright Quotes
If one
synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Steven Wright
If you are in a
spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the
headlights, does anything happen?
Steven Wright
If you can't hear
me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Steven Wright
If you had a
million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Steven Wright
If you saw a heat
wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright
If you shoot at
mimes, should you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
If you tell a joke
in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
In Vegas, I got
into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I
considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
Is it weird in
here, or is it just me?
Steven Wright
It doesn't make a
difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
It doesn't matter
what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
It's a small
world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
Last night I
stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and
four people died.
Steven Wright
Last week the
candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy
Birthday.
Steven Wright
My friend has a
baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what
he meant.
Steven Wright
My neighbor has a
circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright
My roommate got a
pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
My school colors
were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
Steven Wright
My theory of
evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
On the other hand,
you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
Right now I'm
having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Steven Wright
So, do you live
around here often?
Steven Wright
Some people are
afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
Sponges grow in
the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would
be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright
The Bermuda
Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus
is missing.
Steven Wright
The other day I...
uh, no, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright
The Stones, I love
the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
Steven Wright
There was a power
outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on
the escalators.
Steven Wright
There's a fine
line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
Tinsel is really
snakes' mirrors.
Steven Wright
What's another
word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright
When I die, I'm
leaving my body to science fiction.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid,
I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train
schedules?
Steven Wright
When I was a
little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only
child... eventually.
Steven Wright
When I was
crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with
me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Steven Wright
When I woke up
this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No,
I made a few mistakes."
Steven Wright
Why don't they
make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Steven Wright
Why is the
alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote
that song wrote everything.
Steven Wright
You can't have
everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright
Back
|
