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Steven Wright Quotes
A lot of people
are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
Cross country
skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
Curiosity killed
the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
Do Lipton
employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
Do you think that
when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a
quarter?
Steven Wright
Don't you hate
when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
Ever notice how
irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is
within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
For my birthday I
got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and
let them fight it out.
Steven Wright
George is a radio
announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven Wright
How young can you
die of old age?
Steven Wright
I bought some
batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright
I bought some
instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
I busted a mirror
and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright
I drive way too
fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
I got a chain
letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to
everybody on the list.
Steven Wright
I got this
powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright
I had a friend who
was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one
car.
Steven Wright
I had some
eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
I had to stop
driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright
I have an
answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message
and I'll call when I'm out.
Steven Wright
I have an
existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
I have the world's
largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the
world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright
I hooked up my
accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people
behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
I installed a
skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Steven Wright
I intend to live
forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
I invented the
cordless extension cord.
Steven Wright
I like to
reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
I live on a
one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
Steven Wright
I met this
wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting
Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
I play the
harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really
fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
I poured spot
remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
I put instant
coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright
I replaced the
headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only
one moving.
Steven Wright
I saw a bank that
said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
I saw a subliminal
advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
I spilled Spot
remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
I think God's
going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
I used to work in
a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright
I was at this
restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French
Toast in the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
I was reading the
dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright
I was trying to
daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Steven Wright
I was walking down
the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
I watched the Indy
500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to
go so fast.
Steven Wright
I went to a 7-11
and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
Steven Wright
I went to a cafe
that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered French Toast during the
Rennaisance.
Steven Wright
I went to a
general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
I went to a
restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French
Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
I went to the bank
and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm
going to buy some sugar."
Steven Wright
I went to the
museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are
in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
I wrote a few
children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright
I wrote a song,
but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I
think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
Steven Wright
I'm moving to Mars
next week, so if you have any boxes.
Steven Wright
I'm writing a
book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright
I'm writing an
unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
If a word in the
dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
If God dropped
acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
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