Religious
Jokes V
Four
Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her
friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls
him 'Father'. The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third
Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks
into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman
sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle
"Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied
stripper... Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."
Q.
What's the difference between Jesus and a painting?
A. It takes only one nail to hang a painting.
There's
this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept
confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear
one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked
him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed
adultery would say they had "fallen".
This
seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest
died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he
visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest
said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When
people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having
fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the
new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife
fell three times this week."
Q.
What did the Roman soldiers say to Christ as they were nailing him to
the cross?
A. Cross your legs we only have one nail left"
A
man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for 7
years. Then they could only say 2 words. The first 7 years passed and
they went into a small room. His 2 words were "too cold". The next 7
years passed and they took him back into the small room and his 2 words
were "bad food".
The next 7 years passed and they took him back into the small room and
his 2 words were "I quit". Good they said, "all you have done is
complain."
A
priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small
boy trying to press the doorbell on a house across the street. However,
the boy is very small, and the doorbell is placed at normal adult
height, and the little fellow just can't reach. After watching the
boy's sorry efforts for some time as he moves closer to the boy's
position, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind
the little fellow and, placing one hand kindly on the child's shoulder,
leans over the boy and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and
asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the urchin replies, "Now we run like Hell!"
Jesus
walks into a hotel, tosses three nails on the front desk and says,
"Hey, can you put me up for the night?"
Jesus,
hanging on the cross, spots Peter in the crowd at the bottom of the
hill. "Peter," he calls. "Peter." Peter hears his name and replies, "I
hear, Lord, I'm coming," and starts up the hill toward the cross. A
Roman guard blocks Peter's way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your
arm." But Peter says, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me," and tries
to pass the guard, who cuts off his arm with a sword.
Jesus calls again, "Peter, Peter...", so Peter continues, bleeding and
in terrible pain, up the hill toward the cross. Another guard blocks
his way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your other arm." Peter ignores
this, saying, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me." As Peter tries to
pass the second guard, the guard cuts off his other arm with his sword.
Jesus calls again, "Peter...," so Peter, getting weak from the pain,
continues up the hill. A third guard blocks his way and says, "Stop, or
I'll cut off your leg." Peter says to the guard, "I must go on, my Lord
is calling me." As Peter tries to continue up the hill, the guard cuts
off his leg. Peter falls in a heap of pain and blood, but still manages
to push and drag himself up the hill toward the cross with his one
remaining leg. Jesus calls again,
"Peter... Peter..." Peter replies, "I hear, Lord, I'm coming." Another
guard steps in front of Peter and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your
other leg." Peter squirms top try to pass the guard, so the guard cuts
off Peter's other leg. In excruciating pain, Peter uses sheer willpower
to drag his mutilated body to the base of the cross.
Panting, he raises his eyes toward Jesus and says, "I am here, Lord. I
have answered your call. Jesus looks down at Peter and says, "Peter...
I can see your house from here!"
Q.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in
liquidation.
Smith
climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean
to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to! you?" The Lord
replies, "A penny.
"Smith asks," Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute".
Pedro
was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find
me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my
life and give up tequila."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
A
priest, scientist, an astronaut and a plumber were playing golf one
day. To kill the time they started a conversation on natural
occurrences. They chose to debate about wind. The scientist said that
winds were the result of thermal convection. The astronaut said that
they were made by the planet's rotation. The priest said that storms
were god's way of cleansing the earth. The plumber only knew that the
wind always blew when he played golf. They played through 17 holes,
arguing furiously. Just as they teed up at the 18th, everything became
calm. Amazingly, a giant hand came down through the clouds just inches
above their heads. The astronaut and the scientist didn't see it
because they didn't believe in the supernatural. The priest knelt down
and prayed in fear. Only the plumber stood up. Suddenly a voice boomed
down "If you want the answer, pull my finger". The plumber did, and a
mighty wind blew.
Three
guys die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them
"whatever you do, don't step on a pink cloud". The first guy goes off
wandering. when he comes back, he's accompanied by one of the ugliest
women you've ever seen. "What happened to you?" asked the other two. "I
stepped on a pink cloud" he replied. The second guy goes off wandering
and comes back with an even uglier girl. "what happened to you" they
asked. "I stepped on a pink cloud." The last guy goes off wandering and
comes back with the most beautiful woman any of them have ever seen.
"What happened" they asked. the woman responded "I stepped on a pink
cloud"
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