Celebrity Jokes III (long jokes)
A
man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President
Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at
the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've
ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked
over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton
appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This
time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked
over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said,
climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
One
night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New
Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan,
Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen
generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger
cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot
burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen,"
he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're
about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four
parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open
the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael
Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the
world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the
world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he
grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door
and into the night.
Bill
Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The
world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a
parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and
the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My
son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss
of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a
parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The
hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's
smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
Bill
Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized
up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to
send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by
putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you
created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never
done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want
to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the
two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will
help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God
said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's
try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were
thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature
was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If
this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off
they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about
playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I
think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you
desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see
how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill
shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He
was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going,
Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is
awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What
happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women
playing in the water?"
God says, "That was the screen saver".
Mickey
Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the
judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't
legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally
insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I
said that she's fucking goofy!"
Michael
Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave
birth to their son. Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have
sex?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!!"
Two
of Clinton's sperm are swimming around in Monica, when one of the sperm
looks at the other and says," Hey I think we are coming close to the
ovaries"... the other looks at the other sperm and says," Hey relax we
just passed the tonsils."
One
day three midgets decided they wanted to be in the record books the
fist one says "I have pretty short arms", so he goes and succeeds. The
second one says "I have pretty short legs," so he goes and succeeds.
The third one says "I have a very small penis," and when he comes back
he says "Who the hell is Leonardo DiCaprio?"
A
man was walking in the woods and came to a cottage where the walls were
covered with clocks. He asked the woman who owned the cottage what all
the clocks were for. She replied that everyone in the world had a
clock, and every time you told a lie your clock advanced a second. He
saw a clock that was hardly moving and when he remarked about it he was
told that it was Mother Terisia's. He then asked where Bill Clinton's
clock was. The woman replied "It's in the kitchen, we're using it as a
ceiling fan."
Steven
Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous
classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stall one and Arnold
Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg
asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce.
"I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the
one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold
Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie.
Superman
is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds
Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the
best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder
Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn't do that
to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away.
Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him
while he's swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is.
Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him
to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about.
He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle.
He thinks I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of
that so fast she'll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his
business and id 4 seconds he's back in the air flying away. Wonder
Woman looks up and says "What was that?" Invisible Man says: "I don't
know but my ass hurts!"
Lisa
Marie's Divorce Allegations Against Michael Jackson
Wouldn't
drink beer, watch football and break wind with her during Thanksgiving
with Mom at Graceland.
Refused
her pleas for separate make-up mirrors.
Unwilling
to try new things in bed...like her for instance.
Elephant
Man bones...fine. Oxygen chamber for eternal youth...well okay. But
what's with the Groucho head on Jayne Mansfield's body thing?
In
all their months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her
peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa
did for Momma.
Had
her favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995) done over.
She
was shocked to discover that the glittery uniforms were not actually
part of any real military organization.
He
started hanging out with Madonna's dancers to toughen up his image.
Everywhere
you turn, Elizabeth Taylor's supporting you through some sordid
allegation.
Stood
in the way of her film career when he refused to bankroll her debut
performance in 'Jailbait Rock', the story of her Mom and Dad's
courtship.
The
all-night Kool Aid and Twister marathons with his little friends left
him too tired to do that 'hee-hee-hee' thing she fell in love with.
She
felt pressured to buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of
LaToya's Amway products for the sake of family peace.
Jermaine
and Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis didn't have kids THEY
could marry.
Swears
she thought she was marrying Michael Keaton.
She
grew tired of scouring every Chucky Cheese's within a 50 mile radius
only to find him slumped over a table in yet another chocolate milk and
Pez stupor.
He
told her to "just beat it" one too many times.
He's
a plain spoken "Hoosier", and she had clearly gone "Hollywood".
She
wanted someone more like her father, and though he was already a
pathetic parody of his former self, he was just unwilling to gain
weight.
He
kept forgetting to put the top back on the mascara.
Irreconcilable
similarities.
Sean
Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite
his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie
Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kyle
said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with
an older man. Let's go back to my place."
So
they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says,
"If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can
have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your
left hand and my dick in your right hand." Kylie looks a bit perplexed,
but says, "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and
they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful.
But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But
again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right
hand." Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are
mind blowing.
Once
it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me,
does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right
stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Sean replies, "No, but the last
time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet."
Prince
Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran
over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of
his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole
world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up,
polished it and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from
thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie. "As a reward I
shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but
let me show you this dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you
could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.
The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This
body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there
something else you would like?"
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out
two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said
Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this
woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo.
"You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make
Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"
The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,
"Let's have a look at that dog again."
