Dirty Jokes Part IX
A
married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years.
One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become
attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative
if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very
glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three
people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two
people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the
first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on
the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook
supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back,
"We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.
Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell
back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the
roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells
down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the
tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before
the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from
the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like
they're screwing.
Mrs.
Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.
After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the
following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old.
There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and
bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save
any complications in later years."
She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".
"OK" he says, "you're fucking ugly as well!"
Sitting
at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into
the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the
latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration
for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it
out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully
deep.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the
hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their
daughter coming in with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's
studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then
sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and
behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get
drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the
wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A
GP or a surgeon?"
"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I
think he's likely to be our son-in-law."
A
blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm
sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from
there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and
picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands
it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep
breath.
"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the
kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what
had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days
later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu
again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize
you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty
fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I
take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in
disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him
and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going
to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this
time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his
wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the
blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and
waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already
have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose,
takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
A
husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they
decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of
income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her
he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or
problems.
A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all
the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask
her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went
back and informed the client at which he cried, "That's too much!" He
then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute
and ran to ask her husband how much.
The husband said "Ask for $40." The woman ran back and informed the
client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove
his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman
noticed that the man was well hung.
She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner
again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I
borrow $60?"
A
young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it
a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and
arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The
prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the
sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little
old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked
curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let
grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some
people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for
some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I’ll have some
myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A
police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the
prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was
bewildered. "But you’re so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my
dentures and suck ‘em dry!"
A
man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat
down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby
waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set
it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here
carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our
restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon
off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the
kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented,
"Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging
from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency
Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after
using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my
penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and
then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no
need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in
your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
Two
parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father
goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water.
Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw
some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to
play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his
mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than
Daddy's!"
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to
play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his
mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I
ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"
A
couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down
some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I
want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I
expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell
you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with
my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any
comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand
that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether
you're here or not."
A
husband is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma
for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast
instead of just talking to her. While doing so, the wife lets out a
sigh. Pleasantly surprised, the husband runs out and tells the doctor.
"That is a good sign," suggests the doctor, "Why don't you try rubbing
her right breast to see if there is any reaction."
The husband returns to his wife's bedside and rubs her right breast
which brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out again and tells the
doctor. The doctor thinks this is amazing and could perhaps be a real
break through. The doctor then suggests the man return to her bedside
and perform oral sex.
More than happy to accommodate, the husband returns to his wife's
bedside to do his deed. Some five minutes later, the husband comes
running from his wife's bedside screaming for the doctor.
"What's going on?" asks the doctor.
The husband yells, "My wife stopped breathing!"
"What happened?" asks the doctor. "Everything seemed to be looking good
a few minutes ago."
The husband replies, "She choked."
Farmer
Brown goes out one bay and buys a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and
says: "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says: "You
can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!" The young
rooster replies: "Now don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's
time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a
hike!" The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old
hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster
snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" The old
rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: "I'll
tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house
with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken
coop." The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm going to beat you, old
man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start." The
two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks "Go!" and
the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young
rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and
the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and
sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young
rooster is blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in
disgust: "Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."
A
woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the
gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a
few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her
feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty
today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked,
but said nothing.
When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The Following
conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we
look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think
that was appropriate?
Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or
something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if
it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?
Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning,
and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have
commented!
Daughter: I don't have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the
toilet. I used some before the appointment...
Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!
A
boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on
the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in
the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing
sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The
old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here
with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."
