Dirty Jokes Part VIII
Cinderella
wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didn't have any tampons to
use and she was on the rags. Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and
turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella's house into a tampon. The
Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home
before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn't
be good." Cinderella agrees and leaves the house.
Midnight comes along...no Cinderella, 1am, 2am and 3am, still no
Cinderella!
Finally, 5am rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door and the
fairy godmother jumps up. "Where the hell have you been?!?" To which
Cinderella replies, "I met this amazing guy, and well, before I knew
it, we got into a serious bang session. His name was Peter Peter....."
This
guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets
aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving
on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do
around here when you get really horny after months of being out at
sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the
upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."
Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the
barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong
out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had
ever experienced, it was truly a success!
After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who
originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was
great! I could do it every day!"
To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except
Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy
replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."
Jason
walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with
no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though
he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants,
takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he
is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he
will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit
as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.
"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says
"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with
your Johnson?"
Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't
know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"
A
very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a
seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every
single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really
ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits
at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he
walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever
saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman,
'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with
those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and
I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all
night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he
does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a
drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'
A
man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up
ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As
he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started
fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then
stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was
confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies
off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it
was foreplay for
something a bit heavier".
The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could
turn the pages.
A
lady goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that she can't
get her husband to have sex with her anymore. So, the doctor gives her
some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner
whenever she wants to have sex. That night she gave him one and they
had a decent night of sex. The next night she decided to try 4 pills
and she had even better sex. Well the next night she tried 8 pills and
the sex was wonderful. So the next night she decided to dump the whole
bottle in his dinner. The next day her son showed up at the doctor's
office and and said, "Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Daddy? My
mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's going
around saying here kitty, kitty, kitty!"
There
was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole
out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of
the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head
outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to
stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.
Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."
Once
there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married,
and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of
a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same
day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John
said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must
feel terrible".
Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old
from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead
fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than
anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her
front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I
could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like
anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side
of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could
lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take
a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools
tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She
cracked right up the middle".
Before he could finish the old lady fainted!
The
kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was
calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little
Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually
his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and
with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then
sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in
mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a
period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "But what
is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But
this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart
attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
A
kindergarten teacher comes to class and says, "Today class I am going
to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word
that begins with that letter." She begins with the letter "A" and all
the kids raise their hands. There is one kid in the back named Johnny
that is real eager to answer the question, but the teacher knows that
he is always vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses on
little Mary to answer. Mary stands and says, "A...Apple" The teacher
replies, "That's great, Mary, good job." So she moves on to the letter
"B", and again Johnny is still eager to answer the question, but the
teacher is sure that he will probably say "Bitch" or something like
that so she calls on Todd. Todd says, "B...Baseball." And the teacher
replies, "Good Job, Todd." So they start going through the alphabet and
the class' attention dwindles, except for Johnny. The teacher comes to
the letter "R" and no one, except for Johnny, is raising their hand so
she is forced to call on him. "Okay Johnny, what starts with R?" she
says. "R...Rat" Johnny replies. "Rat, ...that's it...rat?" the teacher
questions with astonishment. "Yeah," says Johnny, "Big-ass
mother-fuckin' rat with a dick 12 inches long."
John
invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long
been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and
this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while
watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more
between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's
thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I
assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie
came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've
been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't
suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll
write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear
Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and
I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several
days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear
Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she
was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by
now. Love, Mom"
An
old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her
wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down
the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but
you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in
her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He
looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up
and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of
a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line
back there." "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in
her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He
looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She
zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to
the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and
has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh
no...... not the Breathalyzer again!"
There
was a shoe sales man sitting in his store when a beautiful woman comes
in. He looks at her and can't stop staring. While helping her try on a
pair of shoes he glances up her skirt to find she isn't wearing any
panties. He started thinking and something slipped out. The man said
"I'd like to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out!"
Hearing this the woman runs out to tell her husband. She says, "Honey,
this shoe salesman said he'd like to fill my pussy up with ice cream
and lick it all out!" "Now go kick his ass!". The husband replied
"Dear, anyone that can eat that much ice cream, I ain't fuckin' with!"
Once
there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger
man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" The old man replied "I
am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day
and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after
dinner." The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's
so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life." The
old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"
A
guy was playing golf, a golf ball hit him in the balls and he passed
out. His friends took him to the doctor. The man asked him, "Well, what
do you think, doc?" The doctor replied," We're going to have to put in
a support for about a week." He then takes four tongue depressors and
ties them all together with string. The man's face looked disappointed,
he told the doctor "But tonight's me and my wife's honeymoon." The
doctor replied, "Your going to have to bear with it." Later that night,
the man and his wife were in bed. She took off her shirt and grabs her
breasts, "No one has ever seen these before." The man pulls out his
wang and says, "Well mines still in the crate!"
George
was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that
he wasn't leaving the house.
George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so
drunk that you puked on your shirt."
George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all
night!"
So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out
with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get
shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow
all over his shirt.
George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house
for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"
Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep
from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk
through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over
yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he
gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."
So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his
wife was waiting for him in the living room.
Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all
over that new shirt!"
George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on
me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was
holding two $20 bills.
George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill
come from?"
George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."
During
her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and
climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just
can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll
flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." In
a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've
undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on
top of mine."
