Dirty Jokes Part VII
Two
old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to
the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood
sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once
again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE
SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman
turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
A
new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the
male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between
my husbands legs?"
The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks
"What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"
The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then
asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of
the penis?"
The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the
cheeks of my ass!"
Burford
is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real
bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the
lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back
up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a
plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the
pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that
says,
"Dear Mr. Burford... All is forgiven. Just tell us...where it is?"
A
couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that
with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise.
Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower,
her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do
it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they
don't?"
"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"
So
this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for
'Viagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The
doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young
nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the
prescription.
Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain
killers. The doctor asks 'why, is your dick in that much pain?', 'no',
says the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'
A
man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch
hiker. So the trucker stops and picks up the man. While they are
driving down the road, the trucker says "Hey man, you wanna see
something pretty cool?" The hitch hiker says sure. So the trucker has
this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he
smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow
job. So after that, the trucker says "Hey man, do you want some of
that?" And the hitch hiker says "Sure, but just don't smack me so hard."
One
winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches
of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started
rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs.
Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The
first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?" To which
the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and
I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special
trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the
ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and
when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and
warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next
winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny
beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion
on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the
second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about
how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything
that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the
second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies
cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed
right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at
a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right
back on that bikers mustache!
To
men dicussing how tight ass cold their wives had been to them about
giving sex. The first fellow says "My wife's so cold I can put a glass
of water in bed with her and the next morning its turned to ice." The
second fellow says "Hell, every time my old lady spreads her legs the
furnace kicks in!"
One
evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a
12" tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next
to him; "What the hell is that?" The guy next to him replies "He's a
pianist!", to which the drunk replied "Horse shit, your pulling my leg"
So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man , grabs some books, and
props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man
started hammerin out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons.
Stunned, the drunk asks "That little guy is cool, where the hell did
you get him"? The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle
out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one
wish. All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the
bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out
and grants him one wish. In a slur, the drunk asks "I wish for a
million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a
million ducks come flying overhead shittin all over him. Angrily, the
drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing "You son of a
bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all
of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit."
The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed "You don't really think
I wished for a 12" pianist do you?"
This
retarded kid is starting his first day of school. He walks down to the
bus stop and waits for the bus to take him to school. The bus
eventually drives up and opens the door. "Hello Mr Schoolbus Driver" he
says in a slurred voice. Then the bus door closes and drives off
without picking him up. He went back home, told his parents and figured
he would try again.
The next morning, he stood at the bus stop, the bus came around and
opened the door. In a slurred voice the boy says ,"Hello Mr Busdriver!"
To which the bus driver closed the door and drove off.
The boy went back to his parents and told them, to which they were
majorly pissed off. The next morning, they came down with the boy to
the bus stop to talk to the driver. The bus came past and the door
opened. The father of the boy asks, "My boy needs to go to school each
morning, but you keep closing the door and driving off, how come?". The
bus driver says in a slurred voice, "He keeps making fun of me!"
A
man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned
the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. He
service man opened the bonnet and after a while the repair man said "
It looks like you've blown a seal ", the man replies "No, it's just
frost on my moustache."
The
doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer
during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent
the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in
his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He
considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he
realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the
side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was
examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and
started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to
orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to
lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and
replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down
there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while
you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes
ago."
After
thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with
a tear in his eye he says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you
something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?" He starts,
"The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died.
You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health." To which the wife nods
her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible
car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew
up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I
lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by
my side the whole time. Annabel You've been through everything with
me." Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know you're a
fucking jinx!"
There
was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for
breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when
he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?"
he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you
kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no
eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally
kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should
you?"
A
man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over
and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to
let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be
connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the
father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The
doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine
that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and
if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor
know.
The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he
felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial
up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman
delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man,
astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought
upon him.
The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the
mailman lay dead.
