Dirty Jokes Part VI
A
guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is
orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so
he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the
guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a
lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing
as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are
things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six
weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the
stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work
20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that
was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set
my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the
boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He
asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got
divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to
be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all
I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old
bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He
inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies,
"No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and
munch on Cheetos."
It
was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he
arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole
family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big
gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of
fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of
terrific fishing lures.
At
the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman
in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him
through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the
stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate
love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went
downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham,
sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he
was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was
pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's
bottom edge.
"All
this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar
for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would
be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I
asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
A
man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he
goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got
this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait
my ass on line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that
kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check
ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my
language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then
let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I
have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems
to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language
and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in
this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check
for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then at the
man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"
There
was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling
so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no
women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to
position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The
man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride
again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he
turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up
to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through
the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car
with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to
them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said
,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily
knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he
finished are three girls asked,"How could we ever repay you Mr." After
thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"
Three
explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is
going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front
of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't
want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA!
and dancing around. the cheif then rips the explorers pants off and
fucks him in the ass.
The
cheif calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or
Booka?!". Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe
again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The cheif rips the
second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The
chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or
Booka?!". Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks
death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of
tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and
screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"
A
farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her
tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell
the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs
out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs
his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of
your brother"
This
man is walking down the road and hears someone crying. He stops and
looks over the fence and sees a woman without any arms or legs crying
beside a pool. He asks "What's the problem?" she says "Well I've never
been hugged before." Well this is a nice guy so he hops the fence and
gives her a hug. Half an hour later he is going back to his car and
hears her crying. He asks "Now what's wrong?" she says "I've been
thinking and..I've never been kissed before". Well the guy thinks
what's the harm in giving her a kiss to make her feel better? He hops
the fence and gives her a kiss. At his car he finds that his keys are
lost so he goes back to the girl and finds his keys there but he sees
her crying again. "Now what's wrong" he asked She responds "I've never
been fucked before" The guy picks her up and throws her into the pool
and says "Now you're fucked real good."
This
lady goes to the gynecologist but won't tell the receptionist what's
wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor. After hours of waiting
the doctor sees her in. Ok my good woman what is your problem the
doctor asks. Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler
and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. So I had five
hundred dollars and I stuffed it in my vagina but now I can't get it
out. The doctor says, don't be nervous I see this happen all the time.
He asks her to pull down her underwear sits her down with her legs wide
open puts his gloves on and says: I only have one question. What am I
looking for? Bills or loose change?
A
man walks up to the bar, and speaks to the bartender. "I bet you $500
that I can piss in this cup from across the room." The bartender looks
at the man like he was nuts and says with a laugh, "Ooook buddy. You
got a deal." So the man walks over to the other side of the room, pulls
down his zipper and just lets it fly. Piss goes everywhere; on the bar,
on customers, all over the bartender, but not a drop lands in the cup.
The man walks back over to the bartender. The bartender says, "Ha ha
ha. Well pay up." So the man pays him, turns around and begins to laugh
hysterically. The bartender asks, "You just lost $500, why are you
laughing?" The man turns around and says to the bartender, "Well you
see that man over there." The bartender says, "Yeah." He replies,
"Well, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you,
and that you would be happy and laugh about it!"
A
man walks into a bar and immediately realizes its a gay bar. He thinks
to himself I'm not gay but I really want to to drink so he walks up to
the bar. The bartender asks "What is the name of your penis?" The man
says "Man get outta my face I'm not like that, just gimme a beer." The
bartender replies,"I'm sorry sir but I can't serve you until you tell
me the name of your penis." The man says, "Okay then what's the name of
your penis?" The bartender replies "Mine is named Nike, You know Just
Do it. The man thought for a moment then replied "Mine is named
Secret." The bartender replied "Secret??" The man explained you know,
Strong enough for a man, made for a woman."
A
farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At
the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a
fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you." The
college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man." So the farmer says,
"Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be
lotsa drinkn' going on." College guy "Hey, I can drink just as much as
anyone else so I should do just fine." Farmer "There is also going to
be a lot of fightn' so I hope you are ready." College guy "I have been
working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape." Farmer
says, "Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?" College guy
"Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some
action. What should I wear to this party?" Farmer says, "I don't care
it's just going to be me and you."
One
day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in
their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across
the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that
day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my
boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." the priest
says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the
church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some
cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down
for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy
says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so
hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and
terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what
he wants for breakfast, and his reply was "Well you can bet your sweet
ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"
Three
hillbillies were sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly said "My
wife is so dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer,
and we ain't even got electricity!" The second hillbilly said "My wife
is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and
we ain't even got runnin water!"
The third hillbilly said "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in
the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled
out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin there... and she ain't
even got a dick!"
There
was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy
costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the
door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature
ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
This
guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar
stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box
from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde
says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yea, he licks
pussy." So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her
to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of
her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets
the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at
all. the blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move.
So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going
to show you how to do this one more time!"
This
lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the
doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him
in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady
to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and
gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests
his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes
he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on
and he will talk to her when she is dressed.
The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with
her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to
bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the
mirror and stand on her head. He replies, "I wanted to see how I would
look with a beard."
A
bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans
over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit
sticking to your fur"? The bunny says "No". So the bear grabs the bunny
and wipes his ass.
This
nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting
for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those
weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll
give it a try just to see what it tells me. So she went over to the
machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, Your a
nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat
back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably
tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again.
So
she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card
came out and said, your nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago
Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's
wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She
sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down
she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She
looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I've got to try
it again.
So
she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out
and it said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill.
and your going to break wind. She thinks I know it's wrong now I've
never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell
off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and
looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly
unbelievable, I've got to try it again.
She
went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and
said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and
your going to have sex. She said ah-hah that does it I know for sure
its wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't ever gonna get
none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity
went off and she got raped... She sat back down and thought about it
for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one
thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see what is
gonna happen to me before I leave this airport.
She
went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it
said. Your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked
around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!!
A
woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of
their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are
hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man,
that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for
the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this,
here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle
of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and
celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back
to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands
it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
