Dirty Jokes Part V
A
teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "Blowjob, five
dollars". He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another
girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing
out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?".
His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!".
A
woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of
detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women’s deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.
Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly!
A
blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the
corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started
pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his
coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the
dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He
approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog
for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him,
I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."
Two
men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you
die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the
second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the
first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you
get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very
calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're
sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack",
says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one
day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and
found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was
hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there
either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there,
I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head.
"that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If
you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
A
man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any
kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz,
don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that shit". Last night I drank
a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink
a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand
said the man, Chunks is my dog.
Roger
is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing
volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a
little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you
tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here
before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice
to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen.
"You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from
volleyball."
Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger
and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects
her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her
getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks
at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.
At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a
bitch tonight, Roger!"
Three
nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room
the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic
magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I
threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I
was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of
condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they
asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun
fainted.
As
an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for
Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support
him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things
got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her
dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The
last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife
took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on
the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.
"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess whom?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"
A
guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally
she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and
buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls
over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and
he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she
stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams.
"I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that,"
she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake
up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's
just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A
few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close,
snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he
screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the end!!"
A
man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an
argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said,
"Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so
obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman
countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your
finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels
better-your ear or your finger?"
The
angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath
and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a
very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the
morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
A
husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local
country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving
range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100
yards. The golf pro says not bad. Golfpro: "Now hold the club as firm
as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits
the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes
her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, try holding the
club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10
yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth
and hit the ball."
A
guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has
ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to
approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've
ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've
given my body to God" she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus
driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her
in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to
confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the
guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.
The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the
nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must
have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do
it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it
up the ass." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have
the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says
"Surprise I'm the guy on the bus" With that the nun turns around and
says "Surprise I'm the bus driver."
It's
this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes
to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and
the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old
are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have
a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man. To get
home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up
and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my
birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No
don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of
telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the
man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly
how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it."
"Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says
the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady.
After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he
says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's
balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33
years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!,"
exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post
Office," said the lady.
After
the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a
pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the
events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was
able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in
front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night.
Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a
complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of
directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Two
dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the
hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to
their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a
certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His
depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears
cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, How did it go? The
first whispers back: It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an
erection. The second dwarf shook his head. You think that's
embarrassing? I couldn't
even get on the bed!
A
man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him
to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy,
tattooed on his penis. When it was erect is said Wendy and when it was
limp if said Wy. They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach
for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so
he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on
him also has a Wy on his penis. He said oh you must have a wife named
Wendy to and the waiter said no mine says Welcome to Jamaica man have a
nice day!!!
A
husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some
yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his
wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man
says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She
ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the
grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over,
measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the
grill!" She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The
wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one
little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
A
couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the
cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood
for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that
his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs
to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood.
He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold
again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm
them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5
minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are
cold again". She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"
A
guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The bartender asked,
"what's wrong," and the guy says that he just found out that his
younger son is gay. The bartender says, "he's sorry about it." After a
couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas. The bartender
asked, "What's wrong now," to which the guy responds That he found out
that his older son was gay, too. The bartender says that he's sorry.
The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas. The
bartender burst out, "Isn't anyone in your family gettin' any pussy?!"
The guy gets really pissed and says, "Yeah, my wife!!!!!"
Woman
rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
"Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"
"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
"Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"
A
woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. Looking at meats and
poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she
picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed
it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it.
Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to
her and said, "Madam, could -you- pass such a test?"
It
is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep
when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and
before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the
line and the husband says "How the heck do I know - what am I, the
weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over
and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know, it was
some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
Three
people walked by a strip bar they walked in, the first guy licks a 100
dollar bill and slaps it on one side of her butt. The next guy also,
licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on the other side of her butt. The
third guy walks in takes out a credit card swipes it through her butt
and takes the 200 dollars.
A
man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show.
The first guy walks in and the boss says, "This job requires you
noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?" And
the guy says, "Well shit! You got no ears man!" So the boss yells "Get
the fuck out!". So the next guy comes in and the boss says to him,
"This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is something you
notice about me?" And the guy says, "That's easy. You got no ears!" So
the boss says, to him, "Get the fuck out!" As the second guy leaves he
sees the third guy about to go in and says to him, "The boss has no
ears so don't say anything about them, he is really sensitive about
it." So the guy goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to
notice a lot of details. What is one that you notice about me?" So the
guy says, "Your wearing contacts!" And the boss says, "Yeah, how did
you know?" So the guy replies, "Well shit, you can't wear glasses cause
you ain't got no ears."
A
woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and
she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt
revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which
reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.
Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo
and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off
and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation
for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees
the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock. "I'm
not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" He says, "It's cool baby,
in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
There
was once this cowboy, riding through the wild west. One day, off in the
distance, he sees a small cloud of dust. So he rides his horse up to
it, and finds its an Indian laying on the ground with his chop sticking
out of his pants! The cowboy gets off his horse and asks, "What are you
doing?", to which the Indian replies, "Me tell time! Penis acts as
sundial." The cowboy in disbelief says, "Ok, what time is it?" The
Indian looks down at his "3:35..." "That's amazing, your right!" the
cowboy says in amazement. So he hops onto his horse and keeps going.
Riding
along further, he sees the same thing, gets off his horse, and thinking
the last Indian was a fluke, asks this one the time. The Indian looks
down at his "one eyed bandit" and says "4:40". The cowboy is stunned,
the time was right again! Shaking his head he hops back onto his horse
and rides again.
After
riding a while again, he sees yet another Indian on the ground with his
"bald headed champ" except he was jerking off. The cowboy hops off his
horse and says, "And what are you doing?" to which the Indian replies,
"Me winding clock."
A
man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah,
blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little
sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three
wishes. You only get one wish.
The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for
awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii;
but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could
you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to
visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the
logistics of that! How would the supports ever
reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much
concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."
The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said,
"I've been married and divorced several times. My wives
always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I
wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and
what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why
they're crying...know what they really want when they say,
'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
