Dirty Jokes Part IV
Little
Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest.
Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or
else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little
Red started towards her grandmother's house but
decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle
stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because
if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red
was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough,
the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your
shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no
you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna
eat me just like the story says!"
Two
guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking
about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't
mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane
tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and
instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two
tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having
breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you
please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING
BITCH'
A
guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00,
and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm
sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of
my hookers work for free!" The guy gets the room, but has nothing to
fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon.
Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the
living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.
Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says
to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!". The
Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep
show and get yourself in the mood?". The guy does, and is enjoying the
show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks
really know what they're doing huh?", The guy responds, "Yeah, but you
should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"
A
police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to
a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going
on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a
hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my
clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a
moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I
guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"
A
hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve
the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't
eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little
boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're
eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother
sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she screams.
A
guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?"
She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then
you disappear."
A
deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy
with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with
no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and
writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."
"I've
got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says. "What's the bad
news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've
only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken back, "What's the good
news then Doctor?". The doctor points over to the secretary at the
front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and
legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head
and the doctor replies, "I'm fucking her."
A
pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's
office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask
you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..." placing a
reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is
fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman
confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
Your
girlfriend is ugly when...
(1)
She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.
(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.
(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.
(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.
(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
(6) She makes onions cry.
(7) Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.
(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.
(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.
The
FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak
with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down.
The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I
do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do,
sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your
country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the
man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next
room and kill her."
The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He
comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down
the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The
interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the
same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his
wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."
The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives
him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the
room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a
bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes
out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table.
The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the
guy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to
strangle her!"
An
old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of
a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and
yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."
Three
people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room.
The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for.
They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why? The second
dog says, "Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years.
Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put
to sleep. The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely
remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent
wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed
on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my
master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.
The
third dog said, "This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the
house all the time without her closes. This makes me very horny. So,
this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to
wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I
jumped on her a gave it to her good!" The other dogs say, " so' that's
why they are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing
me here to get my toenails clipped!"
A
doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You
aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By
mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
Two
deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off
the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After
several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife
decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on
some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex
with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't
want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The
husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great
idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my
penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on
my penis ... fifty times"
An
American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was
going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo,
Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he
was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one.
Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients
looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."
One
day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that
someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the
blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face.
Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day,
the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was
written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain
for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning
for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same
disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the
previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the
second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger
it gets."
A
man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man:
"What are you doing here today?"
Woman:
"Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man:
"Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they
pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more
before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man
and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
Late
at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the
landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a
second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to
speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst
you've got," says the landlord.
The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the
woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to
go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's
your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.
"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I
nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the
landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark,
so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And
they get right down to it, humping away.
Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop,
and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on
here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the
landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies
apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."
Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched
on that damned light."
A
man from the Internal Revenue Service knocks on a door and it is opened
by a little boy. The man asks the boy, "Where is your mother?" The boy
states, "She's in the backyard, screwing the goat." The man exclaims,
"Son, it's not nice to make up stories like that!" The boy says, "Come
on in and I'll show you." So the taxman follows the little boy to the
back of the house and looks out the window into the backyard. There, he
sees a woman screwing a goat. Disgusted, he turns to the boy
and says, "That is gross! Doesn't that bother you?" The
little boy answers, "Naaaaaaaaah!"
A
guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While
looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the
counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his
pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the counter. "What are
you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!" He replied, "I
know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"
One
time there was an army camp in India that just received a new
commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything
checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the
edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the
soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that
the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they
have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks
he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel
into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an
hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that
how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just
use the camel to ride into town."
One
day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on
except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what
the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like
that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long
story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob
should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and
Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said
we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a
kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well
Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did." "Up on the
hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all
her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my
clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the
ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."
One
Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly
drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was
followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then
about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the
man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first
hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What
happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the
man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law.
My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a
while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the
man replied, "Get in line."
A
blonde walked in on her husband having an affair. She was so angry she
pulled out a gun and pointed to the woman's head. She was about to pull
the trigger, when her husband said, "No, don't!" and she replied, "Shut
up, you're next!"
A
guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells
him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's
nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the
muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the
base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds
pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier
so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6
weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The
guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts
feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly
unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No
sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls
across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his
pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly
look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that
again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he
says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my
ass!".
A
man and a woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were
talking before their dinner about how they should celebrate their big
evening. The woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband.
Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night and
eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed. Later that night at
the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as
they were fifty years ago." The man replies, "That's because they are
sitting in your soup."
In
a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was
still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were
getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the
following inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told
his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the
lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be
unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."
A
54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening
that reads...
Dear
Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."
When
he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as
follows...
Dear
Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND,
you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many
more times than 54 goes into 18."
Well,
one night a boy and his girlfriend are out on a date and as the boy
pull in his girlfriends drive-way to let her out she tells him to come
over the next night for dinner and meet her parents. The boy agrees and
the girl says to him that after dinner they will make love. Well the
boy agrees and as he is on his way home, he thinks to himself ,"This
will be my first time sleeping with someone, so before I go over to her
house ill stop by the pharmacy and buy some condoms". Well that day
went by and they young boy was on his way to the pharmacy , and as he
purchased the condoms the pharmacist gives him a mean look, the boy
thinks nothing of it and goes on. Well, when the boy is at his
girlfriends house, her mother asks him to say the blessing before
dinner, well the boy is going on and on about stuff during the prayer
and his girlfriend leans to him and says " I didn't know you were such
a religious person" and the boy says back " I didn't know your dad is a
pharmacist".
