Dirty Jokes Part XXXVI
Saturday
morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the
boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."
A
husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her
husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for
a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the
door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes,
trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into
the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same
woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."
A
recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa
Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked
up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello,
sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again
turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you
like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto
hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate
ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
This
recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He
passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself
"If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me". He makes a
promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he
goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front
of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing "My wife is
going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to
die alone". The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy
"It's not that bad. You can get out of this." The drunk looks at him
and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says
"Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home,
tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.
Tell
her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt." The drunk guy
looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might work. You are a
saint. Thank you." The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks
through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate.
She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're
drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out." The drunk
says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but
I'm not drunk." She says " Look at you... you puked down the front of
your shirt." He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on
me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can
see for yourself" She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money.
She looks at it, then to him and says "This is a $10 bill" He looks at
her and says "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too".
A
guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his
wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and
didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the
customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what
he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman
brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other
patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he
would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more.
"The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man.
Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he
asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?"
The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."
Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your
wife? Where is she?"
"She's standing here next to me."
The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the
edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any
bigger than your fist!"
The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"
A
man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the
food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says,
"Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer
who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he
usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken
in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange
for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter
walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the
officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table
and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to
eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same
to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You
break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in
the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops
his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"
An
old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He
talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady
and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off
before she stopped him.
She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".
The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever
seen."
A
man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he
announces his wife has just produced "A typical Texas baby boy weighing
twenty pounds." Congratulations shower all around, and many
exclamations of 'wow!' are heard. Two weeks later he returns to the
bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Texas
baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you? How much does the
baby weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'fifteen pounds.' The
bartender is puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty
pounds at birth.' The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and
proudly announces, 'Had him circumcised.'
One
day a single mother was in the grocery store with her 4 kids. They were
acting up. Bad little kids. They were running around grabbing items off
the shelves crying and screaming all over the place. The mother grabbed
all and said "I should of swallowed all of you!"
The
difference between having Guts and having Balls...
Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."
