Dirty Jokes Part XXXIII
A
vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I
thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and
says "I'm making tea".
A
ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due to a itchy
rash in her puss... when she gets there the doctor checked her out and
asked "when is the last time you've had sex?" the old lady tells the
doctor that she is still a virgin.. he checks her out again and the
doctor tells the lady "I don't really have a medical term for this, so
I will be blunt...Your cherry has rotted"
Three
guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best, " the
first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third
guy "What about you?". "Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."
Bubba
was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent
Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise
saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob
to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise
asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it
costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She
then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy,
and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe
Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary
Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
Two
old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you
mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and
enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the
course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a
living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here
are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he
picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of
his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is
fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the
bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute,
that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just
shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend
impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly,
"I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
There
were these two gay guys that give each other anal each night. One night
before they give each other anal one of the guys has to go to the
toilet. So the other guy says "okay but don't wank in there, save it
for later." and the first guy agrees. This guy was in the toilet for a
while so the other gay guy decides to check on him. Once he opens the
toilet door he sees lots of seamen everywhere. He gets angry and yells
"I thought I told you not to wank and to save it for later!" to the
first gay guy. The first gay guy replies "I didn't wank, I just farted."
One
day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed
to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of
the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom. When he was done
dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock
there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no
toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle
fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean." The man
thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do
that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do,
and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it.
So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then
a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard
the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.
One
night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in
bed with another woman... She became violent and ended up pushing him
off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she
had anything to say in defense of herself. "Your Honor," she began
coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."
A
woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor
condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her
in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he
asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she
could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God
for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third
time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in
panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
A
middle aged couple went to a spouse swapping party. They met a Martian
couple and thought it would be nice to switch partners for the night.
So they went off with the opposite spouse. When the woman saw the male
martians' penis she said "Well that's nice but it's kind of short isn't
it?" Well the martian reached up and patted his head. While he did that
his penis got longer and longer. The woman saw that and said "That's
nice but it's not very fat is it?" The martian reached up and pulled on
his ears. As he was doing that his penis got fatter and fatter. The
women had a grand time that night. In the morning the man and woman
were comparing their experience. The woman said "I really enjoyed
myself, we should swap again." The man said "I enjoyed it too but, I
just can't figure out why she kept patting my head and pulling my ears!"
My
husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you
happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I
squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A
guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid
he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and
asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By
this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU
TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
"Doc,"
says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to
have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a
very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It
will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you
book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very
slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same
way.
"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same
operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life
that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the
word!”
These
two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a
dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing
the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't
you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That
cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The
first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything,
skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are
walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good.
I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just
then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with
stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The
second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking!
It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"
A
guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but
not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away,
and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and
felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.
So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift. "Any
thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse. "Oh, I
don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do this you know. But,
if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need."
The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.
Three
women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was
knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took
a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C -
I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took
a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my
baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third
woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It's
Thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this
fucking sweater!"
A
professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people
here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of
those of you
who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About
40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has
anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their
hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any
of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises! his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've
been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to
a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to
make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room,
the professor asks, "So, Bubba,
tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Heck!
From way back there I thought you said "Goats!"
