Dirty Jokes Part XXXII
Darren
marries this girl, and they go on their honeymoon. He leaves the room
the first night to go down to the lobby to get a pack of cigarettes.
When he gets back, his bride is lying on the bed naked fucking one of
the bellhops. Another one is under her, getting her in the ass. She's
sucking off the desk clerk, and she's jerking off a cab driver and the
dishwasher. Darren screams, "What the fuck are all these jerk-offs
doing in here?" She says, "Well, you always knew I was a flirt."
A
Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west
and the CB crackles to life. "Hey Roadway driver, who are the two
biggest fags in America?" comes from the CB. The Roadway driver
replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says " You and your
brother." Well the Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver
tells him "It's just a joke - tell it to the next truck you see."
Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour and finally sees
another truck. He gets on the CB and says "Hey other truck, do you know
who the two biggest fags in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I
don't know, who?" The roadway driver replies "Me and my brother."
Bob
says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation,
only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years,
I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to
Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you
told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got
pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this
year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
A
guy's eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all
alone. He calls over his waiter and says, "Send that woman a bottle of
your most expensive champagne, on me." The waiter quickly brings the
champagne over to the woman, and says, "Ma'am, this is from the
gentleman over there." She says to the waiter, "Please tell him that
for me to accept this champagne, he better have a Mercedes in his
garage, a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants."
The waiter delivers the message, and the guy says, "Please go back and
tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, three million dollars in the
bank, but I haven't even met her...so why the fuck would I cut off four
inches?"
A
guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling, "Cris-co, Cris-co?" A
store clerk says to him, "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle Five." He says,
"I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I'm calling my wife." The clerk
says, "Your wife is named Crisco'?" He says, "No, I only call her that
in public." The clerk says, "What do you call her when you're home?" He
says, "Lard ass."
Three
very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The
first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around
the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like
candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you
know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get
on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when
the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with
it." The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice,
and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the
cat."
A
funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear
a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive!
She
lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is
held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the
casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries
out: "Watch that fucking wall!"
A
woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to
ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number,
etc. and then asks "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore." The accountant balks and
says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's
try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl!"
"No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute,
then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant
asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a
call girl?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."
This
guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner (at a buffet of course). They
then go back to her apartment, sit down on the couch, and start
smooching. Suddenly he leaves a big fart. Not wanting to embarrass him,
his girlfriend says, "Fido, get out from under this sofa". They go back
to their smooching, and a while later he leaves another loud fart. Once
again she says louder, "Fido get out from under this sofa." As they get
back into the throws of passion, yet again he blasts another fart, and
his girlfriend says, " Fido get out from under this sofa - before he
shits all over you."
The
judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating
your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom
yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with
beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the
back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge
stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can
understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more
outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a
problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For
fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I
asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
A
man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by.
What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. "Perfect timing," the
cabby said. "You're just like Bill."
"Who?" asked the man. "Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything
right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It
would have happened like that to Bill every time."
"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over
everybody."
"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have
gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"Bill was really something, huh?"
"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could
remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to
eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the
whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him," the man said. "Well, I never actually met
Bill," said the cabby. "Then how in the world do you know so much about
him?" "I married his widow," replied the cabby.
A
husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when
his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect," her
husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with
aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
Two
gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas
and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive
erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their
eyes off of it. One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he
reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him
into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop.
When
he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage. An
ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital. The
next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked, "Are you
hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't
called, he hasn't written..."
An
85-year old husband and wife decide to take a road trip. She drives
because she can see and he rides because he can hear.
After traveling for a while, they get pulled over by a State Trooper.
She rolls down her window and the cop says "I need to see your drivers
license and vehicle registration please." The woman turns to her
husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The husband replies, "HE WANTS
YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION!"
The woman gives the documents to the officer and after studying her
license the cop says, "Oh, you're from Chicago. I've been there.
Actually, the worse piece of ass I ever had was in Chicago!" The woman
turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
And the husband replies, "HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU!"
A
couple's taking a walk, and as they walk hand-in-hand, the guy starts
to get aroused. He's just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope
you don't mind, but I have to take a pee." He says, "Sure, go behind
the hedge." She disappears behind the hedge, and as he waits, he hears
the sound of her jeans being rolled down her legs and imagines her
exposed twat. He can't contain himself, so he reaches through a gap in
the hedge and touches her leg. Then he moves his hand up her thigh
until he finds himself gripping something long and thick between her
legs. He says, "My God, Mary, did you change your sex?" She says, "No,
I changed my mind. I'm taking a shit instead."
Finding
one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith
stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school
teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made
ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked
up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
There
was a boy whose parents were very strict in his
upbringing. They never allowed him to meet any girls, except
his own relatives. However, one day he saw one of his best
friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her
what they were doing.
His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who
does that to a girl will die that very minute!" On his 21st
birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to
one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had
never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with
him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him,
"What are you afraid of, it won't hurt." He said, "My mother
said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!" She
replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she
gave him a hot one square across the lips. He began to cry, "Oh no I'm
going to die!!!" She said, "Why are you going to die??" He replied,
"I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to
get stiff!!"
