Dirty Jokes Part XXXI
George
and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a
trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a
sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly.
George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was
nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to
come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the
door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the
door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips
provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic
rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback.
"$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed
derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for
that price."
"Well,"
said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left,
Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat
dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up
behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get
for $25?"
A
businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house
for what is popularly termed a "nooner." "Don't worry," he purrs. "My
wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk." As one thing
leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps,
"We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," her
lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of
searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he
exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
Two
drunks are standing at a whorehouse door. The first drunk says, "I
heard half these broads have the clap and that none of them would think
twice about stealing every penny we've got." The second drunk says,
"Not so loud, or they won't let us in."
The
mortician calls Mrs. Banley, and says, "Excuse me Mrs. Banley, but I
can't seem to close the lid to your husband's coffin because he has a
huge erection." To which she replies, "Why don't you cut it off and
stick it up his ass? That's the only hole in town it hasn't been in."
A
guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, I'm dying to have
sex in the worst way. So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I
know of is standing up in a hammock."
I've
never gone to bed with an ugly man, but I've woken up with a few.
A
Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over
at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,
it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How
much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are
really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why
did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away
as the two friends begin to play.
"My
Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's
license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that
night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you
are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise
and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little
girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got
divorce."
"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl
replies, "Because you got an F in sex."
A
couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."
A
trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred
dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich."
The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my
finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I ain't horny, I'm
homesick."
Jack
is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last
wish?" She says, "Anything you want." He says, "After I die, will you
marry Larry?" She says, "But I thought you hated Larry." With his last
breath, he says, "I do."
Three
guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and
falls out of the boat. Ed says " What should we do?" Bill says, "You
better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might
need some help." So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He
says, "Help me get him in the boat." They wrestle Fred back into the
boat. Ed says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like he's
breathing." Bill says, "Give him mouth to mouth." Ed starts to blow air
into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such
bad breath." Bill says, "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was
wearing a snowmobile suit, either."
Patient:
"Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my
temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you fucking jackass!"
The
guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up." The doctor examines
him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your
sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty
days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation
right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go
home and discuss it with your wife?" The next day the guy comes back
into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "What did you decide?" He
says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen."
Mr.
Geraldo says to his doctor, "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last
night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls
in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and they were all dancing
in a row." The psychiatrist says, "Now hold on, Mr. Geraldo. That
doesn't sound so terrible." Mr. Geraldo says, "Oh, yeah? I was the
third girl from the end."
A
flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast
enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower,
rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger
boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it
worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in
her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning
ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them,
so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby
dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you
go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The
man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."
This
fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The
pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted
it for. He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the
pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such
circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." The guy reaches into his
wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist looks at the
photo of the ugliest woman he has ever seen, blushes and replies, "I am
sorry Sir, let me get it for you... I didn't realize you had a
prescription."
