Dirty Jokes Part XXX
This
little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference
between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies
"Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford
for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would
sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars." So the boy goes up to his
mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million
dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so
good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so
fucking fine, of course I would!" Then last but no least he goes up to
his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a
million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for
a million bucks?" So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned
the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the
difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3
million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a fag!"
"Mom,
may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" a little girl asked.
"No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the mother. "What does
that mean?" asked the child. Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a
biological discussion with her young daughter, the Mother said, "Oh,
just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fifi for
a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in
heat, and that I had to come talk to you." Not wanting to have the
biological discussion either, the father said, "Bring Fifi over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end
with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash
and you can only go around the block once."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on
the leash. "Where is Fifi?" her father asked. "She should be here in a
minute," advised the daughter. "She ran out of gas about halfway down
the block and another dog is pushing her home."
Researcher:
Excuse me madam, I'm conducting a survey.
Woman: Yes, what is it about?
Researcher: We are asking people what they think about sex on the
television...
Woman: Very uncomfortable, I would imagine!
A
young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a
stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and
asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"
"1956," was his reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed.
"Major, you need to get out more!"
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch,
..."It's only 2014 now."
A
Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across
a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey,
Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come
running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit,
looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his
shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.
After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about
to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really
shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is
much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the
line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood
with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.
Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit
runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of
your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear
looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his
shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the
Giraffe and the Elephant.
After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six
pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you
really shouldn't d that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts
beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger
and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing,
man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little fucker
really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods
when he's on Ecstasy!"
Rich
man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at
Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man,
"What'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge
diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich
man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy."
The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did
you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a
dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a
dildo?" The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can
go fuck herself!"
A
gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from
his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the
kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big
sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to
repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the
pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean
you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went
back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him
over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about
my cooking again!!!!!"
At
the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards,
finally shaking her head, "No." A clerk came over and asked, "May I
help you?" "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I
laughed at your dick' cards?"
A
guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going
into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He
says, "No! This is her fucking husband!"
The
pretty co-ed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual
operation: the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel.
Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this
happen?"
"Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to
eat by candlelight."
One
day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her
life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really
frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having
found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's
face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it
looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
"Doc,
I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the
phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."
"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get
him in here right away and I'll take care of him."
"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same
symptoms he has."
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the
doctor. "Well," the man admitted, " I think my wife
now has it too."
"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"
A
woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find
a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man next
to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman
that does aerobics." The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"
The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get
your leg up so high?"
A
guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?". Looking
back unimpressed at the man she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any
good." A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay, but it still won't do you any good." He invites her up to his
apartment and she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good." They
get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I
have ever seen. I want you for my wife." She says, "Oh, that's
different. Send her in."
A
woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it
increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it
was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term
relationships. "Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's
equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly. "The only foolproof
way, is by the size of his feet," counselled the therapist. So the
woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came
across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest
feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined
and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening
of abandon. When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had
already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that
read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair
of shoes that fit you."
