Dirty Jokes Part III
A
man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets
to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the
bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and
begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the
next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a
pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh
my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me
some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home
his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have
you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few
drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see
your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
A
Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to
her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her
boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy
says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so
busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the
steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she
replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have
any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your
snatch with it, and go for help!”
She
takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk
and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk
replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in."
A
husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the
living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm
going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I
figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The
husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with
his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife
asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a
year!!!"
Clinton
dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil
greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the
first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the
ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That’s not how
I want to spend all eternity......." They go to the
second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall
being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"
They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall
with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and
decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it." The Devil
then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced."
This
little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks "Granny, can you
show me a magic trick?" "No dear, but I think your grand father knows
one." So the little girl walks over to her grandpa and asks "Grandpa,
granny says you know some magic tricks, could you show me one?" The
grand father looks at her, "Sure, just hop on my lap!" So the little
girl jumps on his lap. "Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?"
asks the grandpa, "Yeah" replies the girl "Well look, no hands!"
One
day this girl goes to her father, "Dad, I really want to see that movie
that just came out, can I please go watch it." The dad replies, "Only
if you suck my dick." the girl refuses but says, "please dad, I really
really really want to go to the movies." The dad says again, "Only if
you suck my dick, then Ill take you." Eventually the girl gives in and
sucks his chop. As soon as she does, she leaps back and goes "Eewwww,
it tastes like shit!", so the dad says, "Yeah, your brother wanted to
go to the movies too."
A
young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack
of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What
are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked,
"Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs
with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones
with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and
Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one
for January, one for February, one for March...."
A
dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before
the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a
very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You’re the
biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies "
I’m 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner
Brown.” The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks
the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I’m
6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.”
The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. “For a minute
there, I thought you said ‘Turn Around’.”
The
Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll
LOVE it!"
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll
lose interest!"
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always
shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep
quiet and lie still!"
A
guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he
spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door
way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking
off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says
"What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh
that’s the Robinson’s, they're both deaf. She's
telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"
One
day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her
boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited.
When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with
only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling.
The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I
ain't going any where near it!"
One
day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My
boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I
have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why?
Don't you have a vase?"
Do
you know what Rodeo Sex is?
It's
when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly,
take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear
"Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!
As
a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time
they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy
bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he
accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To
his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and
ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to
his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
A
young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed
into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on
his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in
to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it
out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as
soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise
to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could
give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed,
slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with
increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long
minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the
little bastard!."
A
guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger
fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife
turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."
Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and
Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The
next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts
to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in
my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up
and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at
Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are.
You spent most of last night with your face full of hair." Gary says,
"Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece
of spaghetti in there?"
