Dirty Jokes Part XXVIII
A
patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a
room with all the blinds drawn. Why are all the blinds closed?" she
asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge
fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the
operation had failed."
Young
Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in
cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch
watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull
fucking one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural
scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on
Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure
like to be doing what that bull is doing." "Well then, why don't you?
"Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."
A
young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going
to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over
three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The
mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the
house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He
then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She
immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." Stunned, the young
man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her," she says.
They
finally released the ingredients in Viagra! 3% Vitamin E, 2% Aspirin,
2% Ibuprofen, 1% Vitamin C, 5% Spray Starch, 87% Fix-A-Flat.
A
married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the
marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small
sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent
say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some
special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special
power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the
wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals improve my abilities?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will
prove it to you." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his
wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto
his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't
seen in many years: raw sexual power!
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and
grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began
screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
A
captain of his ship was sailing the seas one afternoon, when suddenly
over the horizon a pirate ship was seen. The captain yells "Everyone
prepare for battle, and hand me my red jacket." To which one of the
crew members complied and handed him his jacket which he put on. The
battle ended victoriously for the ship and his captain and they
continued on in their voyage. Later, they again spotted pirates, this
time two ships were a approaching. "Men, we must go to battle again!
Someone get me my red jacket!" And a crew member brought the jacket and
the captain put it on. After a fierce war, and a truly stunning effort
of the ships crew, the pirates were defeated. Noticing a trend, one of
the ships crew members approaches the captain, "Why is it every time we
go to war with another ship, you request to wear your red jacket?" To
which the captain replies, "Well, if for some reason I should be
injured and bleed, the red jacket will not show my wounds and thus the
crew will not be alarmed and worried of my condition." The crew member
agrees that this is a good strategy and continues with his work. Later
that day over the horizon, a massive fleet of pirate ships, 10 in all,
come over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the captain and he
yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my brown pants!"
The
tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly at the
Mustang Ranch, near Sparks. The guide noted: "We are now passing the
largest house of prostitution in America." A male passenger shouted
"WHY?!?"
A
couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor
asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have
sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the
couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way
you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several
weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse
with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked,
"Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said,
"We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go
to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn
charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get
$43 back from Medicare."
True
Story... A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob,
where's that 6 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have
to leave the set, but half the crew did too... they were laughing so
hard.
A
young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He
had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming
his specialties: "Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids." The town fathers
were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor
was eager to please, so he put up a new sign: "Queers & Rears."
The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded
that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the
townspeople. So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign: "Odds
& Ends."
According
to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully
erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly
Neanderthal woman were.
A
bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still
determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their
presents. She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to
point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator
"And finally" she said "I do thank my new parents-in-law for giving us
such a beautiful perky copulator"
A
study in Scotland showed that the kind of "male face" a woman finds
attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual
cycle. For instance, if she is post-menstrual she may be attracted to
plain facial features. When pre-menstrual she can be attracted to more
feminine features in a man. If she is ovulating she is attracted to men
with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating she is more
prone to be attracted to a man with a pair of scissors shoved in his
temple.
Grandma
and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The
evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their
television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body
part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled
to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left
hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set
and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I
guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the
sick, not raise the dead."
Husband:
Ohhh, you are wonderfully tight tonight darling!
Wife: Get that big hairy thing out of my navel!
Mr.
Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a
terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and
says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is
handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting
room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my
wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your
wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith
says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine
is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means
you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have
to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor
continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over
her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five
times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a
regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel
will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must
clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent
she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to
wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith
reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just
fucking with you, she's dead."
After
just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, young man
and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try
counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and
felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the
counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the
floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long
face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began
talking 100 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their
marriage. After 5 then 10 then 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the
counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her
passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the
husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The
counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a
week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here
on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
At
the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was
excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering
herself furiously. He moved to the next seat to her and offered his
help. She welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like
crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see
her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn't I good enough?"
he asked sheepishly. "Great," she said, "but these crabs are still
itching!"
