Dirty Jokes Part XXVII
Mum
walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously
scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. "What the hell do
you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed. "Don't try to stop
me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because
there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as
my sister's."
On
returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to
report to their commander. The commander states that because of
services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of � pound per
inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice. The
commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can
measure him up. "I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes,
sahr!" replies the man of war. "Excellent," says the commander, that's
"70 inches, so here's �0." Secondly a marine states that he will have
the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched.
"Excellent," replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75
inches, so that's �0." Thirdly he asks the explosives expert. "I'll
have measured the tip of my dick to he end of my balls sahr!" The
commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several
seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where
in Christ are your balls soldier?!" The soldier smiles at him and says
"Falkland Islands sahr!"
Two
blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Shit," said the
first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers
off!" "What's the rush?" his mate asked. "The bloody elastic in the
legs is killing me," the bloke replied.
A
farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large
truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I
understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to
have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes,
that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head. "You claim you
were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that
says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were
feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the
case?" "Yeah, but�" stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will
suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer. Then
it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please
tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident
when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly,"
replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around
with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop
comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he
goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come
straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what
the hell would you have said to him?"
Two
old men suffering from long term memory loss were sitting on the steps
of the old-age home when an ice cream van drove past. "Gee," said the
first old codger. "I'd love an ice cream right now." "Would you like me
to get you one?" asked the second old bloke. "Are you joking?" the
first old fart snapped back. "You'd forget my order straight away." "No
I wouldn't," replied the second." "All right, then," said his mate. "I
want a double cone with mint ice cream and choc chips, and a cherry on
top." The second old bloke repeated the order flawlessly. Five minutes
later he walked back carrying two meat pies. The first old bloke looked
at the pies in disgust then yelled, "I knew I should've gone myself.
You forgot the bloody sauce!"
Mat's
dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today,
he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that
he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it
they'll be giving you a speaking part."
This
poor bloke went to hospital for a circumcision but, because of some
fuck up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change.
All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking
up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor bloke went
to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to
him. "Shit!" he moaned. "this means I'll never be able to experience an
erection ever again!" "Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed.
It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."
"Get
this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the
pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get
anything." his mates asked. "yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out,
and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home
drunk."
It
seems that there were twin brothers by the name of Jones, John and Joe.
John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a
dilapidated boat. It so happened that Joe's boat sank on the same day
that John's wife died.
A
few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking
him for John said:" I was sorry to hear of your great loss, and you
must feel terrible." Joe replied; " Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was
a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and
she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water
faster that anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole
in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used
her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when someone else was
using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: Four
guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time.
They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't
so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time.
It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle! " THE OLD
LADY FAINTED.
Having
determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided
to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic,
she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the
stirrups. She was feeling very uncomfortable about the whole situation
and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked. "Wait a
second! What the hell is going on here?" she yelled. "Don't you want to
get pregnant?" asked the doctor. "Well, yes, but�" stammered the woman.
"Well lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "Were out of the
bottled stuff, so you'll just have to settle for what's on tap."
A
truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two
homosexuals who were hitchhiking. They climbed into the cab and the
truck driver pulled the rig back onto the highway. A few minutes later,
the first fag said. "Excuse me, but I have to fart." He held his
breath, then the truck driver heard a low "Hsssssss." A few miles down
the road, the second fag announced, "Excuse me, but I have to fart."
The announcement was followed by another low "Hsssssss." "Jesus Fuckin
Christ!" the truckie exclaimed. "You fairies can't even fart like men.
Listen to this." A moment later he emitted a deafening staccato machine
gun burst from his arse. "Ohhh!" one fag exclaimed, turning to the
other. "You know what we have here, Bruce? A real virgin!"
A
funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear
a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again
held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers
are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband
cries out, "watch out for the fucking wall!'''
A
gay guy walked into a delicatessen and asked the shopkeeper for a large
knob of salami. "Would you like it sliced, sir?" the
shopkeeper asked politely. "What do you think I am?" replied the fag,
"...a slot machine!?"
A
man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go
to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his
problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are
getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter
pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At
home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two
began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments
later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How
did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife
peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of
the closet with his hands in the air!"
A
man went to the doctor and said - "Doctor, whenever I fart there's no
smell". The doctor asked he man if he could do one there and then,
which the man did, very loudly. The doctor sniffed a few times, said -
"Yes, I think I know what the problem is", went out of the surgery for
a moment and came back with a very long stick with a hook on the end.
The man became very frightened and asked - "Doctor, what are you going
to do with that thing?", to which the doctor replied - "I'm going to
open the window - you've got something wrong with your nose!".
A
man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The
wife says to her husband, "For our anniversary this year, you can ask
me one question, any question you want to. I will answer it truthfully."
The husband replies, "Okay, this has been bothering me for a long time,
but I haven't had the courage to ask before...but I have noticed that
all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I
can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a
different father than the rest?"
The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly
she replies, "yes. Yes he did have a different father." Her husband was
taken aback. "Oh! Okay...I must know. Please tell me. Who was that
child's father?" Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is
very distressed, and after a long silence she slowly said, "YOU."
