Dirty Jokes Part XXVI
A
man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley
that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated:
"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and
says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They
proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times
last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65
times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this
one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This
bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says,
"WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could
really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up
and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
Ask
any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you, to
have two men at once. According to a recent social logical study this
is true, however most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man
is cooking, and the other is cleaning.
The
couple has been married only two weeks. The husband, although very much
in love, can't wait to go out on the town and party with his old
buddies. "Honey," says he to his new bride, "I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asks the wife. "I'm going to the
bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." "You want a beer, My
Love?" She opens the refrigerator door shows him 25 different brands of
beer from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India,
including six places he's never even heard of. The husband is
nonplussed, and all he can think to say is, "Yes, Honey Pie, but the
bar you know...the frozen glass..." He hasn't finished the sentence
before wifey interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy
Face?" She hands him a mug out of the freezer that is so cold that it
burns his fingers "Yes, Tootsie Roll," hubby says a bit desperately,
"but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really
delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You
want hors d'oeuvres, Pookie Pooh?" She opens the oven and removes 15
different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom
caps, pork strips, etc. "But, Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you
know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty
words, Cutie Pie? Here...DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING
MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT
IT, ASSHOLE?!!"
Two
aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed
it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the
greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he
perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and
said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you
ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other
alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But
before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge
explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t
hey landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one
who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature.
It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The
other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my
travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around
himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you
shouldn't mess with!"
Between
the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored,
breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. Between the ages
of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of
interest. After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down
there but who gives a damn.
Maria
had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a
virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she
was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's
a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says
the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take
good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her
mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When
she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was
missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama,
Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for
Mama."
A
group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for
today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their
fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and
says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder" Everyone gives him
approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing. The
next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed
robbery" Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around
the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says "My
name is Luke, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for" The group leader
says "Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any
progress. Tell us what you did."
"Ok then. I'm in for fucking dogs." Everyone is disgusted! They all
shout "What??!! How LOW can you get!" "Well...I did manage do to a
dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little", Luke
replies.
Two
couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill,
have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner
swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.
Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of
Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they
sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap
their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times
that they did it with each other's wives.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung
over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3
times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill
takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times
on the peanut butter!
A
man is at the dentist's for a check-up. As the dentist leans over, he
asks, "Well... So you had oral sex this morning?" "How did you know?"
asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's perception.
"Was it the smell on my breath?" "No" says the dentist. "Well, did you
see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" asks the man. "No" says the
dentist. "Well, what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing
patience. The dentist says "There's a little bit of shit on the end of
your nose."
A
huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends
says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?" The big guy
says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob
her up and down." His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too
bad." The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I
got somebody to talk to."
Two
gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to
adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as
possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use
their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs. Nine months later,
the two fags are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of
the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs. "Wow," one of
the gay men says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here." A
nurse who happens to be walking by says, "Now he's quiet, but wait till
we take the pacifier out of his ass."
A
guy's walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a
hooker. He says, "How much?" She says "Twenty bucks." He says, "All
right." They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next
night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only
this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When
they get done, he hands her twenty-five dollars. She says, "What's the
extra five?" He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."
A
man was stranded in the desert for ten years. One day, a woman in a
wetsuit walked up to this man and said, "Would you like a cigar ?" The
man said, "Lady, I ain't smoked in ten years." So, the woman unzipped
the left arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a cigar. Then, she said,
"Would you like a drink ?" The man said, "Lady, I ain't drank in ten
years." So, she unzipped the right arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a
bottle of Jack Daniels. Last, she unzipped the front of her wetsuit and
said, "Would you like to play around ?" The man said with
astonishment... "You mean to tell me that you got a golf set in there,
too?!?!"
One
day Little Timmy comes home from school yelling, "Daddy! Daddy! Today
at school we had to say our ABC's and I was the only one in my class
who knew them all! The teacher said I did really good!" "Well that's
great, son," his father replied "I'm very proud of you!" So the next
day when Little Timmy gets home from school he again is very excited
"Daddy! Daddy!" Timmy yells "Today at school we had to name all of the
colors in class and I got them all right! The teacher said I did very
good!" And his father replied "Well that's great, son, I'm very proud
of you!" The next day when Little Timmy came home from school he came
in yelling "Daddy! Daddy! Today in school after gym class, we were in
the shower and I had the biggest penis! I was very happy!" "Well son,"
his father replied "that's because YOUR 18!"
