Dirty Jokes Part XXV
A
salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old
boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the
other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad
in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"
A
woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300%
impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned
his tongue and broke his finger!"
Did
you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said,
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has
everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so
I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a
certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she
wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." So the fellow did. The next
day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did,"
said the fellow. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! she
jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door,
yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
There
were three guys that won a contest. They would get to spend a year in a
room with anything they chose. The first guy loves to have sex. So they
put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with for a
year. The second guy loved to get drunk. So they put him in a room with
every beer there ever was to drink for a year. The third guy loved to
smoke. So they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was
to smoke. Two hours later they hear the guy that loved to smoke banging
on the door but they say fuck him, he's in there for a year.
A year later they let them out. They first guy came out and he could
barely walk, after how many times he had sex. The second guy came out
and couldn't walk because he was so drunk. The third guy came out
crying. They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was
crying. He said, " I forgot my lighter!"
A
mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to
Kansas City.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and
said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
don't big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn't think of an
answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby
dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask
me that?" He said that she had.
With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother it's because Southwest
Airlines always pulls out on time."
There
were 3 gay men and their partners all died at around the same time. On
their way to the morgue, the guy who worked there asked them where they
want to spread their partners ashes. The first gay guy says, "I want to
spread his ashes over the ocean because he loved to swim!" The second
gay guy says, "I want to spread his ashes on a mountain because he
loved to climb." And then the third gay guy says, "I want to spread him
all over my chili, and the guy who worked at the morgue asked, "WHY?"
and he said," So he can tear my ass up one more time."
In
reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of
coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky you
bitch." The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back
a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of
coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the
stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another
whisky you slut." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the
parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such
slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots
approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you
to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly
face of yours!" Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are
wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards.
Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says,
"For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard... "
Two
homosexual guys were walking down the road when one looked at the other
and said "You see that guy across the road?" "Wow, he's cute!!!" the
other said. "Well, I had sex with that guy a couple of years back." "No
shit???" the other asked. "Not much..." replied the first.
One
day Johnny was sitting in class and had to go to the bathroom so he
raised his hand to ask the teachers permission. The teacher told Johnny
if he could say the alphabet he could go to the bathroom. Johnny
stumbled through it and got it all wrong and had to hold it. So Johnny
studied and studied and felt as though he knew the alphabet perfectly.
The next day when Johnny had to use the bathroom he rose his hand to
ask the teacher could he go. The teacher said if you can say the
alphabet I'll let you go. So Johnny started to say the alphabet
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ. The teacher then asked Johnny well where's
the P, and Johnny responded it's running down my leg.
A
woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you
don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning,
fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make
him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for
him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with
him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most
importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you
can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will
regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his
wife. "What did the doctor say?" “He said you're going to
die," she replied.
A
young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class
one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on
the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the
class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just
saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I
don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the
chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she
reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even
louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,
"What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!"
Again,
she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more
severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and
frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she
bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from
another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving
the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what
I just saw, my school days are over!"
A
woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning
coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of
paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she
said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down,
honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog
track? That was the name of the dog I bet on. "The next morning, his
wife snuck up on him and smacked him again." What was that for?" he
complained. "Your dog called last night."
One
day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first
pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She
read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full
of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to
build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do
you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I
think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to
teach for the next 10 minutes.
A
woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or
any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something
wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex
therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex
therapist, Dr.Chang, so she went to see him. Upon entering the
examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The
woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to
odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr.Chang then said, "OK,now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she
did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf
sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr.
Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the
eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary
rike your ass."
On
hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Jenny went straight to
visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her
grandma explained, not holding back anything of course, "He had a heart
attack during sex, Sunday morning!" Horrified, Jenny suggested that
screwing at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble! "Oh no," her
grandma replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the
church bells!" "In with the dings, out with the dongs!" She paused to
wipe away a tear, "If it wasn't for that damn Ice Cream Truck, he'd
still be alive!!!"
A
hippy walks into a Bar and Grill. The waiter comes up to him and asks
him if he wants anything. So the Hippy says 'Yeah a cheeseburger. Not
too well done, not to rare, but right in the groove.' So the waiter
brings his burger and asks if he wants anything to drink. He says 'A
cup of tea. Not too hot, not too cold, but right in the Groove.' The
waiter's kinda getting pissed now, but he brings the tea and kinda
slams it on the table. Little while later the waiter comes back and
asks the Hippy if he wants any dessert. He says 'Yeah some ice cream.
Not too chocolate, not too vanilla, but right in the Groove.' So the
waiter says 'Why don't you kiss my ass. Not the right cheek, not the
left cheek, but right in the Groove!'
The
Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.. "Can
I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone
else..." "No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she
charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his
pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an
hour, whereupon the man calmly left..
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights
in a row and that There were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a
visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up
to the room and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the
end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used
my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man
replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your
sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you." (Some
things in life are certain: taxes, death and being screwed by an
attorney.)
