Dirty Jokes Part XXIV
A
salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He
inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to
go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the
office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white
uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining
room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.
He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was
really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach
this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous
redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous
member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to
see a foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an
inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."
A
guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the
friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my
sneakers please?" The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees
his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous
and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here
to have sex with you!" They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He
replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs,
"Both of them?" "Yes, both of them!"
A
guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese
twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one,
and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one
might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. She
says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your
trombone." So she plays it while he screws her sister. A few weeks
later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of
the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy." The other girl says,
"Gee...do you think he'd remember us?"
A
young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true
what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where
boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that
the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?
Men's
Mastercard Commercial
Cover Charge $15.00
Round of Drinks $23.00
Table Dance- $30.00
Another round of drinks $23.00
Couch dance and tips $50.00
A round of shots $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room $300.00
Being able to send her on her way and never have to hear her complain:
***PRICELESS****
A
young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
first visit home since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you,"
the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm not
surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I
just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." "Well, yes and
no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but
after them my pussy got really sore."
Jane
was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to
answer questions to win the cash prize.
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial
lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but,
unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her
the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following
day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've
just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know
I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like
garbage tomorrow."
"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and
started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I
have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied. Jane
waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour
absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey,
I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male
anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' "
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling
confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At
3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was
asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the
penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger
asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her
teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even
though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies
conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The
cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the
previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You
have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and
I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"
Three
women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey. He
asks, "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a
good night out?" The first replies, "I come home, get into bed and if I
lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night." The
second one replies, "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine,
get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night."
The third one turns around and says, "If I get home, rip off me
knickers, throw them against the wall, and they stick, then I know it
was a good night!"
There's
a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink...
One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back
his entire first beer in one gulp... Then he turned to Bob and said,
"Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me
that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't
believe it"... At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff's shoulder and
said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys
out all together"
A
man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road
strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a
cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and
rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said,
"I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit
yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
A
guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and
the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he
dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had
to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor
had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the
doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brothers card. I'll make
an appointment for you to see him." The guy says "Is your brother a
doctor?" "No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where
to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
A
little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his
younger cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen."
the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said, "all you have to do is add it up, like the
preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'."
A
man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to
him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question
each one on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her
about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about
the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She
slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported. The
disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask
her the same questions about his wife. "She was a real lady," his
mistress said. "How so?" the encouraged man asked. "She came on board
with her husband and never left his side."
A
man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through the
doorway, his wife snaps at him, "What's the big idea coming home half
drunk?" The man replies, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of
money."
A
well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that
showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young,
aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed
the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that
for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.
Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising
it."
A
man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went
inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her
crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what
you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE
children."… The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU
think!"
A
young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a
towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was
massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way
down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur
approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl
arched her eyebrows. "You wanna wank?" she asked. "You bet," came the
excited reply. "O.K.," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."
This
guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have
a good time?" as he looked him up and down seductively. "Sure," he says
and they are off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he
keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since
you crawled out of one?" The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've
seen big enough to crawl back into."
