Dirty Jokes Part XXII
A
handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and
the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was
doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the
room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows,
make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend
asked. "You look fine to me."
"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little
fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven
stitches."
A
young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.
Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told
him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news," he
explained, "is that your fiancée has an particular strain of
gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before." The guy paled. "If
that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?" "Well," the
doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty
strain just last week from my dog's vet."
A
five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The
preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to
harass the kid. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he
asked. "That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I
got laid when I was three." "What? How did that happen?" "I don't
remember. I was drunk."
Jack
was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His workmates
were understandably curious: "Jack, what happened to you?!?" "It was
the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood
up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of
the butt of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like
that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next
thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!"
"Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?"
"Naw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I
pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in..."
"And
will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out
an elaborate dinner for two. "No thank you." the gentleman replied.
"That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a
beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he
asked. "Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a
postcard."
A
young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a
roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex.
When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his
roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. "Just take her
out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course," he
explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there." The roommate
arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a
delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked
his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and
blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy." "I would,
too," the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"
Two
men are playing tennis, one man falls and hits his elbow and decides to
go to the doctors, the other man says "Don't waste any money on the
doctors, just go inside the store at the corner down the street, put
$10 in the machine in the corner, piss in the cup, let it do its thing
and a slip of paper will come out that tells you what you have". So he
goes to the store puts ten dollars in the machine, pisses in the cup
and out comes a piece of paper it says "You have tennis elbow take this
ointment cream and apply it on your elbow 3-4 times a daily". So goes
home wondering how it know what was wrong, and wanted to see if this
machine is a real miracle worker, so he goes home and gets his sisters
piss, brothers piss, dogs piss, and jacks-off in the cup goes back to
the store, puts ten dollars in the machine and places the cup in the
machine. The paper comes out and says "Your sister has gonorrhea, your
brother is gay, your dog has worms, and if you keep jacking-off like
that you'll never lose that tennis elbow.
One
day an old farmer fell asleep in the top level in a 2 level hay shed.
When he woke up, he found his son having sex with his girlfriend on the
bottom level of the hayshed. He decided he wouldn't disturb them, so he
laid down and rested. After a while he heard his son say, "Father,
father up above. Give me strength for one last shove." So the father,
being smart, replied, "Son, son down below. Get off and give your
father a go."
Two
women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic
surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm
getting a boob job." The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm
thinking of having my asshole bleached!" To which the first replies,
"Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
When
Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect
longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his
penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned,
so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial
examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare,
Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. "How long
will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why
would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said
the wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
A
man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to
his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts,
"What makes them so special?" "There is three colours", he replies,
"Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear
tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds really, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice
if you came second for a change!".
A
man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny
mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the
top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without
underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you
looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's
quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this,
I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a
kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the
wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man
stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to
me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is
asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"
A
guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small, so
every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick. For seven
year's he has been doing that. One night his wife suspect that
something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the
cover and turned on the lights! So the woman said, "What the hell is
that, are you using a pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years
you have been doing that, you piece of shit." So the man said, "Shut
the fuck up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell
those kids came from!"
One
dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the
shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a
stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see
a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he
stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said,
taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring
at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" The
driver replies, "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked,
and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread
her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and
said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror,
the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
A
newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be
stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a
year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so
he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart
for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's
really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're
constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if
I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to
play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed
back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed
so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First let's
see you play that harmonica."
A
doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a
rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with
it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance
and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my
pen."
After
discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbors boy,
the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to
his house and confronted his mother. "It's only natural for young boys
and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age."
the neighbor said. "Sexuality my ass!" The mother yelled. "He took out
her appendix!"
A
gay guy walks into the doctors office. He takes off his clothes for
examination. When he takes his clothes off the doctor sees a Nicoderm
patch at the end of his penis. The doctor says... "Hmmm, that's
interesting...Does it work?" The man answers.. "Sure does... I haven't
had a butt in 3 weeks!"
A
husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes
to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in
a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the
ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks
the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of
nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says,
"I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups.
From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time
you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total
nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T
HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
A
man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going
home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and
spending his entire paycheck. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday
Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for
nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife
stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if
you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That
would be fine with me."
Monday
went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went
with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just
enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left
eye.
A
knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she
proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him
to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off
without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference. On
the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him
to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however,
he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he
was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had
gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The old man replied,
"There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman
screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"
