Dirty Jokes Part XXI
Annoyed
by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during
class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started
to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The
professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the
following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture,
he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in
France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the
door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next
plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Business
was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one
of larger rooms. After the work was complete the
carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several
weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or
I'll rip out the partition." Finally the madam offered to pay him in
trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with
her."
"I'll take you."
"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking
chicks."
"I want you."
So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her
back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What
are you doing?" she asked. "I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out
the partition."
A
wife says to her friend, "Our sex life stinks." Her friend says, "Do
you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?" She says,
"Once, and I saw rage." Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during
sex?" The wife says, "Because he was looking through the window at us."
Jack
and Jill were twins who couldn't find dates to the prom. So Jill asked
Jack to go with her. Jack said, "No, you're my sister, that's gross."
Jill said, "Come on. Promise me if you can't find another date, you'll
take me." So Jack said okay. Well, Jack couldn't find a date so he went
with Jill. They were just standing by the punch bowl, and Jill asked
Jack to dance. Jack said, "No, you're my sister, that's gross." Jill
said, "Come on. It'll be fun." So Jack said okay, and they had a great
time. After the dance, Jill asked Jack to take her to Makeout Hill.
Jack said, "No, you're my sister, It would be gross." Jill said, "We'll
just talk, we don't talk anymore." So Jack said okay. They were at
Makeout Hill talking, when Jill moved to the backseat. Jill said, "Come
on, Jack, take me." Jack didn't argue. When Jack moved on top of Jill,
Jill murmured, "You're a lot lighter than dad."
Jack said back, "I know. Mom told me last night."
A
couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier
discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife
sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied.
"In-laws."
Every
night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He
would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well
inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting
his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every
time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then,
she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out
and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his
nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her
husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you
treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of
berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him
home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought
that this might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight,
he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in.
Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his
arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy
chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then,
she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short
while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we
should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"
Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well.
I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
The
Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students
on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young
people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one
question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A
young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how
do you make it last an hour?"
This
guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem.
I can't get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor says, "Come back
tomorrow and bring her with you." The next day, the guy shows up with
his wife. The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie
on the table." She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few
times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says,
"You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."
A
man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative
fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion
sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you
were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
sheepishly.
"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an
earring?"
"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."
These
two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have
anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they
decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never
look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store
and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he
laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where
you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said,
"No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take
the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money
next year. "Okay," they said and left. The next year this guy came into
the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man
for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a
partner?"
"Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him"
said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies,
"I caught him in bed with my board!"
A
man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a magnificent
house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman... then, poof! It was
all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."
Little
Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on
the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to
hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look
under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His
father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed,
to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"
A
guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was
immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting
went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying
it, but suddenly objected, "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!"
"That's no ring... That's my watch!"
Two
soldiers were having a chat during their free time. First
Soldier: Why did you join the army? Second Soldier: I didn't have a
wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the
army? First Soldier: I had a wife and I loved peace. So I joined.
Three
old guys are sitting around complaining. The first guy says, "My hands
shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I almost cut my ear off."
The second guy says, "My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast
today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast." The third guy says, "My
hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee I came taking my
cock out."
