Dirty Jokes Part XX
There
was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day
his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly
acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So
they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it
out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you
cant count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school,
a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your
pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle
asked, "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boys
pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."
A
man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist
and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no
males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could
help the gentleman with. The man said "this is
embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which
causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering
what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute,
I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we
can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living
expenses.
During
a wild party at a Long Island country house, Roxanne had too much to
drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she
lay down to watch the stars. Roxanne was almost asleep when a cow,
searching for clover, carefully stepped over her. Groggily, she raised
her head and said, "One at a time boys, one at a time."
One
day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he
has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and
streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....
"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on
that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that
here. No, no, they don't!"
"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people
won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"
"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35.
If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They
sure won't!"
"But if you fuck one goat......."
Twelve
monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line
up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk
had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that
anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached
a state of spiritual purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She
proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the
final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and
clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell,
and eleven other bells began to ring......
A
local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than
the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided
to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of
a ticket. So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the
officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to
have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on
his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your
last name?"
The
man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the
time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I
got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree
so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor
so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the
way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my
assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was
Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking
away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as
Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm
just Fred." The officer let him go without even a warning. :-)
Nina
and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break. Nina asks,
"So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?" Liz replies, "Oh, you know.
It's the usual, Social Security kind." "Social Security?" Nina asked
quizzically. "Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to
live on."
Three
women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as
a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage
counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I
like that." The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle
mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda
like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband
works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me
how great it's going to be when I get it."
A
farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting,
and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up
from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only
species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looked at him
wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it." He frowned for a
moment, then said, "Okay." He got up and walked out, leaving his wife
with a confused look on her face. About a half hour later, he returned
all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep
didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"
It
was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old
girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse
came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it
at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You
really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said, "You've got to
keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The
nurse said, "You must be quite a man." He responded, "You've got to
keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had
better change the oil, this one's black."
A
nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk
rocker entered. The patient had purple hair, plus a variety of
tattoos and strange clothing. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she scheduled for immediate
surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green, and just above it there was a tattoo
which read, "Keep off the grass." After the surgical procedure
was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which
said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
A
young man went up to his father and asked him, "Can I have twenty bucks
for a blow job?" His father said, "I don't know. Are you any good?"
A
married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on
the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a
heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone,
but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy!
Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past
his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there
is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You
bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all
you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"
A
man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both
go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the
middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm
sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you
could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a
glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's
make pretend that we're married!" The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"
The woman says, "GOOD .... Get your own fucking blanket!!!
An
80-year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him
how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an
eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you
think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a
story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.
But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally
grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he
was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the
handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear
dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old
man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
A
man goes to a doctor and says " What shall I do? I've just been raped
by an elephant!" The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a
look at his ass. "That's funny!" He says " your asshole is 10 inches
wide! I thought elephants only had thin long dicks?" The man says "
Yeah but he fingered me first!"
