Dirty
Jokes Part II
Construction
worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots
another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't
hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He
pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need",
then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the
ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop
and starts masturbating.
The
worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor
and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand
saw!".
The
other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm
coming!"
One
day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She
opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The
wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you
want."
So
they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know
Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a
hundred buck just to see one."
Sara
thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred
bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He
promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit
there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to
see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see
the both of them together."
Sara
amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck,
why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to
cop a look.
A
while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to
him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony
thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200
bucks he owes me?"
A
kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the
definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students
have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a
sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is
definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct,
because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another
student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies
"If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really
correct either."
Another
student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The
teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question
you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I
definitely shit my pants."
Wife
: "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten
dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband
: "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife
: "Those they gave away."
Husband
: "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The
pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went
for two thousand."
Wife
: "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband
: "That's where they held the auction."
The
queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during
her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating.
"Oh
my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of
this???"
The
doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man
has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with
semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and
he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh,
I am sorry" said the Queen.
On
the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a
patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The
Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
A
little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The
little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,
"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather
replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp
to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a
board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The
grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and
runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy
another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave
me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your
Grandma."
Dirty
Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying
any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah
teach?" he replies.
"If
there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a
shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt
answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud
noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No,
Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I
like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well,
teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out
of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is
licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The
teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee
Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt
replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but
I like the way you're thinking!"
A
woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking
for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from
me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect
at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms
so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So
the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
Three
sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so
they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go
on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That
night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When
she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she
went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went
to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The
next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter,
"Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you
always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's
true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so
much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you
should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter.
"Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The
youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk
with my mouth full."
A
depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life
by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a
handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said,
"Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning,
and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of
you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm
around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me
happy."
The
girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the
sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on,
every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and
they made passionate love until dawn.
Three
weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the
captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off
the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the
sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The
captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island
Ferry.'
A
boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and
their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the
boy asks, "What's a pussy?"
The
mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest
dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is
a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking
quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."
The
son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television.
The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The
father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out
his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a
circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"
The
son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about
asks "Then, what is a bitch?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"
One
Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a
beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with
me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta
deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she
asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls
and boys."
She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my
dick this way!"
A
woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and
they pass two squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom,
"Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?" The lady responded, "They're
making a sandwich." Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little
boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were
making a sandwich. A couple of days later the little boy walks in on
his mother and father and said "Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a
sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!"
This
guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his
wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have
an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like
to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back
over and started to go back to sleep.
A
few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any
chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
Two
five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your
thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've
been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's
that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
A
teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's
final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up
tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family
member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme
sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and
said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
A
woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to
push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your
baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese
men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.”
The
doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's
body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor
says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to
give them a try," she said.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that
will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby
has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were
pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps
the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman
and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes,
white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't
bark!"
