Dirty Jokes Part XIX
A
mother walks into her daughters room holding a condom in her hand, "I
found this while cleaning your room today.... Are you sexually active?"
To which the daughter replies, "No, I just lay there."
A
young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together
on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house
with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"
"What! Are you crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.
"No! Someone might see us..."
"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like
it."
"No! I said no!"
"Baby... don't be like that."
Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her
nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at
them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll
come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell
your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
Two
weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that
morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and
say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't
even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought,
"Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. "The children
came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When
I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I
walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss,
Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I
worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it
is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to
lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go.
We
went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the
country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed
lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know,
it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do
we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After
arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think
I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.
Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six
minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife,
children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy
Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.
After
hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it
used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they vary their position. "For
example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs
from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this
new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, okay," the hesitant wife
agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop
right away, and second..." she
continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parents'
house."
An
old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter
astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time
in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and
showed her his enormous boner. "Check this out!" he happily exclaimed.
"What do you think we should do with it?" With one eye open, his wife
replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be
a good time to wash it."
A
businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for
an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is
out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing leads
to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We
have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he
replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of
searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he
exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust
me!"
I
once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male
flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting
and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your
trays, that would be great." I did as he had instructed but the woman
sitting next to me did not.
A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her:
"Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I
asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the
plane." She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked
her again to put up the tray.
She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a
princess. I take orders from no one." The flight attendant replied, "Oh
yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch,
so put the tray up!"
When
her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the
newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. Once the daily
newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and
complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not
gonorrhoea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea,
but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a
great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."
Your
honour, I am 75 years old. So here I am, sitting there on my porch on a
warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch
and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your
Honour. So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your
Honour. Why, Your Honour, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just
spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
That's when he yelled, "April Fool" and that's when I shot the Fucking
Son of a Bitch!!
A
man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop
stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world
renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found
your problem. Your penis is twelve inches long. It weighs so much that
it's pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." So he asks,
"What's he cure, doc?" The doctor replies, "Well, we have to cut off
six inches."
The man is eager to cure his stuttering so he agrees to the operation.
The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering. Two months later,
the man calls the doctor and tells him that since he's had the 6 inches
cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has
gone down the tubes. He insists that the doctor do another operation to
add the six inches back on.
There is silence on the other end of the telephone, so the man repeats,
"Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my six inches back!"
Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-u-c-k y-y-y-y-ou!
A
woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another
woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband
down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then
secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a
hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going
to......to....cut it off are you?!" The wife, with a gleam of revenge
in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm
going to set the garage on fire."
An
elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a
pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly
woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to
kiss me every chance you had."
The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on
the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my
hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached
over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated,
"I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills
down my spine."
This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get
up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife
asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man
looked at her and replied, "I'm going in the other room to get my
teeth!"
A
mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming
from her daughter's bedroom When she opened the door she found her
daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She
exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with
my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later
that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound
coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his
daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He
exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with
my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A
couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this
time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband
watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What
are you doing?" She asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my
son-in-law."
A
man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who
had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in
court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want
to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been
trying to do that for years!"
A
lady went to her doctor for a check-up. when asked how she got the
bruises on the outside of her thighs, she explained that she got them
from having sex. The doctor then told her she would have to
change positions until the bruises healed. She replied "Oh
doctor, I can't... my dog's breath is awful!"
One
day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was
time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam
looks puzzled at God, "Lord, what is a kiss?". God explained, and then
Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later,
Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's
next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again he asks,
"Lord, what is caress?" God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind
the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a
big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's
next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to
Eve." Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God
explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds later,
Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"
