Dirty Jokes Part XVIII
While
in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was
wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?"
asked Little Johnny. "Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for
Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did
you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's
bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me
his watch to get rid of me.
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely
jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That
night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the
unmistakable noises of
lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode
into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said
angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner
and watch, but keep quiet."
Doctor:
"Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS." Husband: "How can we find
out which?" Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this
weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her
way home; don't fuck her."
Two
pedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a
pair of small lacey knickers on the ground. The first one picks them
up, smells them and goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl." The other
grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ...
Definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them smelling
them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a
seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... and so on. The
local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but
ask them what the commotion is all about.
The first pedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out
the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff,
and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says:
"Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my parish!"
During
his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his
barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.
After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best
thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than
I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've
gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"
The
rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on
a bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him, and the rescuers
are shocked. He says, "You can't judge me for this. I had to survive."
The leader of the rescue team says, "But Jesus Christ, man... your
plane only went down yesterday."
Three
mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night
trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse
slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to
the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on
my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch
it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each
paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to
the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I
collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it
up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for
the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The
third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't
have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
A
little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an
irritated crotch. After an examination, the doctor sighs, "I don't seem
to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah,
it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies. "Well, then," says the
Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another
look at it."
Two weeks later, it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up
at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you
have to help me!!" "Well, let's have a look," he says, as he lifts her
up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me
a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am, this won't hurt a bit."
The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor
begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go,
ma'am, try that." She walks back and forth around the office and
exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?"
"I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."
If
you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get
laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But
worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your
mother. So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad!
A
pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and
a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins
throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit
down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.
The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one
day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me
and bit me leg off." The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your
hand?"
"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me
hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook." Next,
the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"
"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked
up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye."
The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to
lose your eye?"
The pirate explains, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."
A
young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother,
"Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her
mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he
doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him
anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
A
city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask
her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes to their farm to
ask her father. "I want to marry your daughter". "Well, my boy you will
have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter." "I'll do
anything for my love" says the young man.
"You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it." A little
puzzled the boy says, "OK, anything for my love" On his return of doing
his deed, he asks, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope." says the
father, "See that goat over yonder? Well, Go screw it." Again the boy
obliges and returns saying, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope. Not
yet -- one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to it." Once
again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing
this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter.
So the father finally tells the boy, "Now you can marry my daughter."
To which the boy replies, "SCREW YOUR DAUGHTER, HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR
THAT PIG?"
A
little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As
he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He
watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to
himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"
One
golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for
my wife!" the other replies, "GREAT trade!"
Important
Press Release: The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their
product is now fully Year 2000 compliant. In the light of this they
have now renamed it as: 'Y2KY Jelly'. Said a spokesman: "The main
benefit of this revision to our product, is that you can now insert
four digits into your date instead of two"
The
Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable,
when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be
ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully
sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop,
and after a moment, added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the
horse."
A
husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks
to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been
married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies,
"It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he
continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says,
"he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's
always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very
embarrassing."
The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking
his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" probes
the counselor further. The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love,
he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So
the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor
tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She
might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years
I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she
wants! What could be the problem?"
The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are
driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in
public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else." The
husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few
things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey
everything he said." "What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor
looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything
that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish,
"Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in
public." "Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me
to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in
any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during
your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father
commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."
"What did he say?" The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said.
Don't screw up."
