Dirty Jokes Part XVI
Miss
Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was
having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her
southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they
stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in
New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other
men on the lips."
Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh
my!"
"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on
the lips!"
"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they
ask.
"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.
"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York
City," sighs Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of
their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?"
they ask in unison. Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush,
"Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."
A
nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a
cell with a huge evil looking guy. The big guy says, "I want to have
some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?" The accountant
replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be
the husband." The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your
wife's dick."
Two
hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and
one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the
air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."
A
little boy is sitting in the barber's chair and becoming anxious, so
the barber gives him a tootsie roll to keep him quiet. As the barber
trims his bangs, loose hair falls over his face. "Do you have hair on
your goodie?" asks the barber. "Don't be silly, you old pervert! I'm
only eight years old!"
A
retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for
Social Security.
After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman
behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his
wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says,
"That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she
processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man
excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security
office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have
qualified for disability, too."
A
woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on
the counter...
Then,
while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the
insurance money!"
"Irving,
remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!"
"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with
the insurance money."
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that
blow job I promised you? Here it comes.
Neighbor
1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely
friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive
reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house
out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce that
you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are
heterosexual"
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool"
Later
that same day...
Neighbor
1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Fag."
A
little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is
bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir,"
she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in
all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand,
"this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle,
and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We
call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later,
seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for
your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"
The
officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery,
the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of
fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of
bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm
recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the
locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"
Three
women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about
their sex lives. Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because
nobody can drill like he does." Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call
my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well,
what do you call your boyfriend?" Kathy frowned and said, "The
postman." "Why the postman?" asked Joanne.
"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong
box."
A
couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there
was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and
true to his word, he made contact. "Mary... Mary..."
Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?" "Yes, I have come back
like we agreed." "Well, what is it like?" Fred excitedly tells his
tale, "Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have
breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have
sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and
into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over
again the next day." So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be
in heaven." Fred replies, "Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
Bill
rents an apartment in Chicago, and goes to the lobby to put his name on
the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes
out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles
at the young girl, so she strikes up a conversation with him.
As
they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has
nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to
maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, he places her hand on his
arm and says, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone
coming..."
Bill follows her into the apartment. Once inside, she leans against the
wall allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she
purrs, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several
times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, your best feature has to be your
ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They're full,
they don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My butt is firm and doesn't
sag, and have no cellulite! So, why in in the world would you say my
ears are my best feature?"
Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers, "Because, when we were
in the hallway you said you heard someone coming... that was me!"
Lori,
the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist
in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every
time I date one of the young doctors here, I
end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed
for a week."
"I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your
will power and resolve in this matter?"
"For God's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I
won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."
One
night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.
Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore
in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what
he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.
The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs.
So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night
before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches
over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"
The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10?
Lobster?"
The
pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took
him aside after class one day. "Little Johnny, why has your
school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," replied Little Johnny.
Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?" "With
you!" he said. "But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently, "don't you
see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but
I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," said Little Johnny reassuringly, "I'll use a
rubber!"
Seven
wise men, creative and fine, created a pussy to their own design.
First was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a chisel and hammer, he
gave it a hole. Second was a butcher, quick with his wit, with a steak
knife he gave it a slit. Third was a hunter, short and stout, with a
piece of fox fur he lined it without. Fourth was a tailor, tall and
thin, with a piece of red velvet he lined it within. Fifth was a
fisherman, nasty as hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell. Sixth
was a preacher, his name was McGee, he blessed it and touched it and
said it could pee. Seventh was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked
it and fucked it and called it a CUNT!
A
woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her
home and a strange woman answers. The woman says, " Who is this?" "This
is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid" , said the
woman. The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the
house. The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid
replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was
his wife." The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, "Listen, would
you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The
woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the
jerk and the witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down; the woman
hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone,
"What do I do with the bodies?" The woman says, "Throw them in the
swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."
A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?"
In
a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get
pregnant?", "How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty."
she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little
girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old
is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear,
your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl then asks,
"Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers,
"I'm seven years old." "No, dear, you can't get pregnant..." Then, the
little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I
told you we had nothing to worry about."
