Dirty Jokes Part XV
Two
married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home
after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get
to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I
take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I
get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up
the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands
on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always
sound asleep."
Five
people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine
stalls and they crash. Miraculously all five of them survive the crash
but are stranded on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will
need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a
schedule. Each guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as
possible, the next week another guy and so on. This arrangement works
out great for years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac
woman until she suddenly dies… The first month went by and
it was really awful; second month was really bad; third month was
almost unbearable; fourth month rolls around and the guys
couldn’t handle it anymore so they buried her.
An
old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he
suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the
kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out
from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to
the kitchen.
There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his
last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife,
however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and
exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"
A
woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a
response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and
explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a
little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The
husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the
curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally
agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's
monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into
the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says,
"I think she choked."
Two
bums are sitting talking. The first one starts bragging, "Today was the
best day ever! This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just
sitting on the ground. So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every
fucking one of them... had the best day ever." The second bum just
laughs, "That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks
and I found this girl laying on the tracks. You know what I did? I
fucked her all day long." The other bum interrupts, "Bull! You didn't
do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was
for at least a few good hours, best day of my life." The first bums
asks, "So did she give you a good blowjob?" The other replies no. "How
could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she
doesn't even give you a blow job?" To which the other replies, "How
could she? She didn't have a head!"
Three
old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health
problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every
morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand
at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck,
that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I
have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of
my constipation. It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every
morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig.
The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
Little
Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher
drew a picture of a penis on the board. "Does anyone know what this
is?" She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy
has two of them!" "Two of them?!" the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a
little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush
mommy's teeth!"
A
woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck. A drunk
staggered up to her and said ,"Hey! where'd ja get the pig?" The woman
replied," You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!" And the
drunk said," Quiet, I was talking to the duck."
Three
guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a
harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting
friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the
master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You
three men must pay for what you have done today.
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The
sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
"I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!",
said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he
did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will
burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop
salesman!"
A
wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the
house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would
return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The
wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early,
alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As
the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the
dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master
bedroom.
She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey,
"Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it
carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my
stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now,
Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis
obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them.
She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you
wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"
A
trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he
is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be
notified when the movie is released to the public.
Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its
debut in Times Square at a porno house. The musician enters the theatre
wearing a dark raincoat and shades. Unaccustomed to porno flicks, he
sits
in the last row next to an elderly couple.
The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse,
golden showers, sado-masochism and near the end a dog has intercourse
with the leading female character.
The musician who is immensely embarrassed turns to the elderly couple
and whispers, "I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music", to
which the elderly woman whispers in reply, "We just came to see our
dog."
A
couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the
hangar at Logan; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of
them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that
it will kinda give you a buzz."
So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time; like only drinkin'
buddies can do. The following morning, one of them gets up and is
surprised he feels good, in fact, he feels great - NO hangover! The
phone rings, it's his buddy.
The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
He said, "I feel great!!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You
don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No -that jet fuel is great stuff
- no hangover - we ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No"
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"
A
man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop
stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor
for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem.
Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your
lungs, causing you to stutter." So the man asks, "What's he cure,
doctor?". To which the doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6 inches."
The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to
the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering.
Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had
the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his
love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to
put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats
himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!"
Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you!
Mr.
Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while
walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted
that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them
six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were
females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a
while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he
placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but
carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the
neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he
climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not
believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he
could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final
wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well,
leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr.
Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a
second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast
as he could!
What
am I? I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8
inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For
most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action.
When in use, I move back and forth and in 'n' out a warm, moist hole.
When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left
behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done
after I am. What am I? Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were
you thinking, you pervert?
Mr.
White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked
during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body,
which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's
normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smith gasped, then said
snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask
me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat
down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked
the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The
pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss
Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied
your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday
be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
