Dirty Jokes Part XIV
An
office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting
behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went
home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife.
It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!". Two
weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man
happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the
computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".
"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know
you had such a nice house!".
A
92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later
the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young
lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man
and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied,
"Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be
careful."
A
guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm.
His neighbor sees him and asks what he has. The guy replies, "Its
chicken wire and I'm going to catch some chickens." His neighbor says,
"You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." Later that
night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens.
The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape
under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to. The guy says
he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks. He replies,
"You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape." Sure enough later
that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks
behind him. The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else
under his arm. He asks what it is. The guy replies, "Its pussy willow."
He says, "Hold on, let me get my hat."
Four
men got together at a reunion. Three of them had sons and they started
bragging about them, while the fourth guy went to the can to take a
shit. The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned a
factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his
best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.
The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at
a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a
Ferrari. The third man said his was doing well too. He was a manager at
a bank. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend the money to
buy a house.
The fourth man came back, and the other three told him they were just
talking about how successful their sons are. He just shook his head and
said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing
something right because, just the other day he was given a house,
furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!
A
man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner.
He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes,
corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones,
senor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost
at the arena this afternoon."
At
first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides
to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In
fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night
and order it again. After dinner the man informed the waiter that these
were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion
was much smaller.
"Senor,"
the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
Who
is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people
are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack
schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the
only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In
turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply
religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva
Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against
her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school
dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe
Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living
with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as
Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a
nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla
Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and
subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
Thewedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse. Bull
Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently
returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So
now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct
them.
A
guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your
cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at
him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet
then".
News
Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the
Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the
death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the
irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as
he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his
death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief
Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was
acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently,
someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming,
and coming, and coming...
A
man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the
chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I
have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and
especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them
up." The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife,
apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.
A
week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good
trip, dear?" The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great... but you
forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no
I didn't... I put them in your tackle box!"
In
a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from
surgery. Little Girl: "Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my
legs!" Doctor: "Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms."
One
day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the
mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin'
for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to
the bartender. "We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in
the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold
nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the beer bottles,
stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and
yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in
the Yukon!" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said,
"You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her
ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the
miner. "I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to
open those beers before we get started."
A
ranch woman takes her three sons to the doctor for physicals for the
first time in their lives.
The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that they are healthy
but she needs to give them iron supplements. She goes home and wonders
exactly what iron supplements are. Finally, she goes to the hardware
store and buys iron ball bearings (BB's) and mixes them into their food.
Several days later the youngest son comes to her and tells her that he
is pissing BB's. She tells him that it is normal because she had put
them in his food. Later the middle son comes to her and says that he is
crapping BB's. Again, she says that it is ok.
That evening the eldest son comes in very upset. He says "Ma, you won't
believe what happened". She says "I know, you're passing BB's". "No",
he says. "I was out behind the barn jacking off and I shot the dog".
Three
boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.
One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One day we should
get her for this," said the first boy. "I agree. We値l grab her..." said
the second. "Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the
nuts!"
There
was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square.
The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the
square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans
over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is
it, sir?"
The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand,
and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist
can't believe what he just saw.
He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of
the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight
of the camel's genitals!! One of the doubting tourists walks back to
the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is
2:05.p.m.
He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know
how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time
from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the
camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath
them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on
the wall."
Two
young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in
court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice
young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail
time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the
evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you
back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one,
"How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17
people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What
did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles
like this...
o
O
...and
told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the
judge.
"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor,
I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's
amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar
approach. (draws two circles)
O
o
I
said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before
prison, ..."
The
grieving widow goes to her local newspaper to submit an obituary. The
man behind the counter tells her it will cost $5.per word. She thinks
for a moment and says "Fred's dead." The man then informs her there is
a five word minimum. She' says "Okay... Fred's dead; Buick for sale"
There
are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. So
in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their
boyfriends nicknames. So they asked the first girl what she called her
boyfriend. And she says, "I call my man 7-up." They ask her," Why do
you call your man that," and she says," Because he's seven inches long
and is always up. They ask the second girl what she calls her man. She
says," I call my man Mountain Dew." They ask," Why do you call your man
that," and she says," Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me." They
ask the third girl the same thing and she says, "I like to call my man
Jack Daniels." They look at her puzzled and say," Why do you call your
man that, Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor," and she says, "Exactly."
A
baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal,
except that he was laughing like crazy. I mean laughing real hard. All
the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing, in front of the
worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and
tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the
tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and... guess what he
found? The birth control pill!
