Dirty Jokes Part XIII
A
mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and
always ended up fucking everybody around. Their holes were played until
they became seasoned and loose. One day, the daughter met the man of
her dreams and decided to get married. Now, the man did not know about
their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. So he decided
to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night. The daughter began
to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her mother,
"Mum, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?!!"
Mother said, "Don't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your
husband-to-be. Here's what you do, place an apple in your hole and it
will be tight and he won't even notice it." So the daughter did what
her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband
didn't even notice.
This
went on for a few months. Now, everytime the daughter wanted to bathe,
she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after
bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after bathing, she
forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The husband came
into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the
apple for him and he ate it, "Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted
great!" Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and
went to consult her mother, "Mum, I'm in deep shit now! I took out the
apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found
the apple I left on the wash basin and ate it! What sould I do? Will he
be poisoned? I'm scared, mum." Mother said, "Don't worry dear, a few
years ago, your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he
lived!"
There
was an Amish girl that had just come of age to date. Her mother was
helping her get ready to go out that night. As she was about ready she
put on some gloves, because it was to be cold that night,and the Amish
still ride in buggies. Her mother asked, "why are you wearing gloves?"
She continued by saying that it wasn't lady like to wear gloves. The
Girl said to her mother, "its suppose to be cold tonight, what do I do
with my hands if they get cold?" Her mother replied. "just stick your
hands between your knees, and they will get warm." So the girl agreed.
Her date picked her up and they went on there was. On their way home
her hands got cold, so following her mother's orders, she stuck her
hands between her knees. Her date looked over and said, "what on earth
do you have your hands between your legs for?" She replied, " my mother
told me that if my hands got cold, to stick them between my legs to get
them warm." Her date said to her, " well my dick is frozen solid do you
care if I stick it between your legs to get it warm?" The girl said,
"well I don't see any harm in it." So he did. After returning home from
her date she asked her mother," What do you know about them there
dicks?" Her mother said, "Why what do you know about dicks?" The girl
looked at her mother and said, "All I know is that when they thaw out
they make an awful mess!"
Once
upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured
princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological
issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her
castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was
once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One
kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young
prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up
housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful
doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce
she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't fucking think so.
This
farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he
goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The
other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy;
he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."
Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd
be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets
him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I
want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service
here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job.
So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house
and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE
or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen
house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the
geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is
jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even
last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next
day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard.
Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal , shakes his
head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get
you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens
one eye, nods towards the sky and say's , "Shhh. They're getting
closer...."
The
woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another
city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy,
guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and
daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed
and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."
Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your
father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've
just told me."
The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm
leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked
the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told
me."
"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy
came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got
into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you
did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
A
lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He
took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is
urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight,
and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into
his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But
being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by
one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their
mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any
of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd
finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
Two
women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda
told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I.
We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could
never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after
you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how
did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be
better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and
afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us
to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes
and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the
grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina,
John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his
penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's
better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with
the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the
doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is
nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you
did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for
us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop
at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."
A
Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled
appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked. The aged
Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to
my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my
breath.... Doctor, I'm scarred!"
The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these
sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your
advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"
The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice
again this morning!"
Little
Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they
were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so
Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely
walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I
want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking
that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you
are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a
moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger
than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still
thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay
then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need
to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our
allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine." By this
time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought
into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something
that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for. After a second, Mr. Smith
said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured
out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two
of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny
just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so
far...."
A
man is telling a story... "I was playing golf, and even though I am
usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that
day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a
voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I
took my stance. Then once again I heard "three
wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of
the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three wood. I thought it
was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt
me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the
ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog
seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with
me. At the next whole he told me to use my five
iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one
ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of
the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.
That
night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played
Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every
spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to
bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the
dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss
me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said
it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful
fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that
your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room.
This
guy goes into a whorehouse and tells the mistress he wants to eat out a
girl for the first time. She sends him up and he meets this deadly
blonde chick. She whips down her pants and he starts licking her twat.
Minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn
niblet. Thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before
continues eating her out. Minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot
in his mouth. Still thinking this is normal he continues. Soon after he
finds a piece of meat and stands up. "Excuse me miss, but are you
sick?" She looks at him and replies "No, but the last guy was!"
The
manager hired a new secretary. she was young, sweet, and polite. One
day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving
the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your
barracks door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on
happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to
have some fun with his new employee.
Calling
her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks
door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at
attention." The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir,
all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"
An
old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch,
reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother
appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three
wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really,
really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She
smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful
princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's
cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change
him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her
stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He
saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry
you had me neutered!"
