Dirty Jokes Part XI
Three
guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The
second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line
up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs
is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still
see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had
better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head
at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and
spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've
spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before
the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
A
crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was
assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She
was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to
her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I
don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to
be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"
The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've
got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things
out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He
asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to
stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed
through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE
IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate."
With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore "Fuck
you!"
Without flinching, she smiled an said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have
to stand in line for that too!"
A
man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "You know,
you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited
too long and you are going to die this evening." The man is distraught
and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and
she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you
will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king."
She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.
After
dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the
man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most
passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once
done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.
Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.
He
knows that he is doomed. He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers. She rolls
over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she
rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the
circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife
rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again.
"Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't
have to get up in the morning!!!"
A
wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find
her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to
storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving
home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a
ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the
roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn
out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they
were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater
you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks
were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into
anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and
asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?'
"And so, here we are!"
Husband
and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But
then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to
hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not
be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes
that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with
it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept.
store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over
and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry
Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she
thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes
for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play
tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up
and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says
"I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no
- no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's
face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then
the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a
Man!!!
Three
ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced " Please
prepare for a crash landing ". The first lady put on all her jewelry .
Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first
lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am
rich and will rescue me first. The second lady not wanting to be left
behind, began to take off her top and bra. Why are you doing that the
other ladies questioned, well when they come to rescue us they will see
my great tits and will take me first.
The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her
pants and panties.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well they always
search for the black box first ?
A
woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She
orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to
choke on a chicken bone. Well these two country boys in the next booth
notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first
country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country
boy starts licking his butt. The women watches these two go at it and
is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken
bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his overalls back up and
says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works
like a charm."
Our
dog left so many disgusting stains on our carpet that we had to buy new
carpet. I didn't want to be stupid about the new purchase, so I cut the
stains out of the old carpet. When the carpet guy asked what color we
wanted, I pulled out the stained patches and said, "Yeah, can you match
this color!"
A
man and his four year old son are talking, when his son asks him "Dad,
what does a pussy look like?" The Dad confused, asks him " before or
after sex?" The kid says "Ummm before sex" So the dad says to him "Well
have u ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red peddles." "yeah"
says the son."well what about after sex" he says to his dad. His dad
replies " Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"
A
guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her
place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the
perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her
bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy
toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe,
fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the
floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later, after they've
had sex, he turns to her and asks,
''So, how was I?''
She says, ''Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.''
A
huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender
can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large
muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The
bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but
I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But
I have a question, why is your head so small?''
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many
times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the
woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they
led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''
''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I
will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''
''Keep going!''
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.
POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, ''You now have three wishes.''
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body
like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF
there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing
there naked!
She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''
''What next?'' begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make
sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down,
and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our
glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have
one more wish. What will it be?''
I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''
One
day a pregnant wife announced that she was going to start looking for
names for her and her husbands unborn child. When the father had gotten
home from work the mother held up a baby book and said that the name
was going to be Ophella. The husband (who was quite witty) didn't like
the name he said, "That's a good name, it reminds me of this girl I
dated in high school." The next day the mother had changed the name to
Sarah.
Once
there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like
so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as
the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their
clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down
the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young
man? You look like you just saw a ghost!". The little boy replies, "My
mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd
turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!".
A
married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful
butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very
beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take
a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed
on her ass.
She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a
beautiful butt. He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt". She
then tells the man she wants Beautiful butt tattooed on her ass. The
man tells her "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much
space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek
and that can stand for beautiful butt. She agrees and gets it done.
On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a
robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and
she says "look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing,
bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?"!
