Dirty
Jokes Part I
A
man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th
anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years
ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in
front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The
husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and
suck your tits dry."
Then,
as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He
replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
As
an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically
and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a
woman."
She
removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who
is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A
man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
One
morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a
strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're
a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So
the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your
first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge
mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again
thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that
too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK,
you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex
all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next
morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell
me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Fuck
me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
The
newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the
bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He
proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put
those on."
The
bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He
replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the
family!"
The
bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same
request, "Try those on!"
He
replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And
you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
How
are women and tornadoes alike?
They
both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
There
was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he
went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to
take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The
elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and
the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you
I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left
hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left
hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right
hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You
mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't
get the lid off of the specimen cup.
A
guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it
now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are
all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples
and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO
IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as
well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples
the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that
hard."
There
are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE
SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in
every room.
BEDROOM
SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the
bedroom.
HALL
SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each
other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM
SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in
front of many people for every penny you've got.
This
beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is
bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism
goes right out the window...
He
tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do
you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes,
checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He
tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor
begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing
now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally,
he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on
top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know
what I am doing now?"
She
replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
This
couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto
her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without
hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says.
So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she
says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his
entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside
of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your
hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at
him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".
A
dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The
dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire
hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my
business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least
your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups
until you throw up!"
A
man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn,
I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been
eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
A
couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before
passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm
still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this
possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds,
"Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was
look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to
do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector
and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
On
their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new
bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your
robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is
astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so
beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He
answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart
forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the
bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife
asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man
opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".
He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
John
just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office.
After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300
people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall
and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy
started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees
had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had
sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then
asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands
were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month?
Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more
times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming
grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so
he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a
year!” To John's dismay, he responds, “Why are you
so happy getting sex only once a year?” The grinning guy
responds, "Tonight’s the night!"
Three
guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to
share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up
and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy
on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed
I was skiing!"
One
day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his
vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some
cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave
looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has
a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was
the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You
see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"
Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
A
blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local
wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him
how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man
replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and
places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it
without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That’s a good
piece of fir." "Correct,” says the manager, “now
try this one." "That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind
man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With
that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his
secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans
face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “Can you
turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his
face. The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But
I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house
door off a tuna boat!"
